She posted THAT on Facebook?

I probably encounter a post weekly that involves someone complaining about what other people post on the internet, particularly Facebook. From politics to religion to "selfies" (ew, I can't believe I just used that word), to crap from their "fandom" (another fake word I hate) to school grades etc. I've also seen posts about people complaining about the people who post pictures of their children all the time. The latest I've read people bitching about would be the funny, entertaining quizzes on BuzzFeed. I don't really get the annoyance of people doing those. Maybe it's because I think it's funny and amusing. Seriously, of all the things to find irritation with in the world, you're going to choose "Which Boy Meets World Character Are You?" For the record, I got Angela. Who didn't love Angela?

Before I get into criticizing people for what they find annoying, let me tell you what I personally don't like. I find it ridiculous the way the people will post about hot button issues on their Facebooks. To me, it's the virtual "kick me" sign that implies "I want to instigate an argument." For me, personally, I'm not interested in posting my political ideologies on the internet for a multitude of reasons. One being that I don't think they are anyone's business, and I don't consider myself to be really left or right. Some issues I can see both sides of the coin and others I can't. Also, I am not informed enough to engage in tons of political banter (granted, aren't those usually the people who do?). I'm not interested in arguing about political bullshit on the internet because something as personal as political or religious ideologies is not something that can be persuaded over the internet. It's more than likely the person you're fighting with about abortion, or whatever issue, already has their opinion set in stone. You trying to change their mind or insulting them by calling them sexist or ignorant isn't really going to make them think twice; it's just going to piss them off before they understand your point of view.

I'm not saying we shouldn't engage with people who have different ideas, but maybe there's a better way than hiding behind Facebook? Perhaps ask you friend to go out for coffee and discuss different perspectives then? I just think pursing this dialogue over the internet is comparable to beating a dead horse. You're allowed to disagree, but this is my opinion. If you sit there and argue online with people, then you're just going to be dismissed as a troll by them more than likely.

You just won't get a jewel for a belly button.

 



I once stumbled upon a blog post that said people shouldn't post their grades on the internet, and people who are parents shouldn't post their children's grades. Why? Because it makes others feel bad, and "who cares?" Welcome to the internet, sunshine! Social media thrives on people posting things that nobody gives a rat's ass about (narcissism 101 folks). People are going to post what they want. I'm not going to sit around bashing my Facebook friends who use their page for political banter because it's not going to stop it. Do I wish I were a person who made straight A's every semester of college? Yes. And ya know, sometimes I do feel envious of people who make that happen, and the pictures of people graduating with all of their honors cords. I'll have honors cords, but I won't have twenty. However, I can't sit around feeling bad about myself and comparing myself to other people because I'm not graduating summa cum laude.

 

Last semester I had three A's and two A-'s. I've never had a semester of nothing but A grades, and I worked my ass off for them. If I want to post about my grades, I'm going to! Considering the bumps in my journey, a semester like that is worth sharing for me. I wanted to scream it from the rooftops because it felt like a type of transcendence! The intention isn't to invoke envy or make people feel badly, it's just to say "Hey, look how well I did! I'm proud of myself!" I agree that we do as a society impose difficult standards onto students, be it kids in grade school or in university. However, should people not be allowed to feel proud of their achievements because it makes other people feel bad?

 

I look at people with flat stomachs and wish I had one. I wish I had a 4.0. I wish I were fluent in French. I wish I was smart enough to go to Columbia. And sure, it'd be nice to find a nice man-friend. I see people post about these things, but I'm not going to tell them not to because it makes me feel bad about myself! The cards I've been dealt have to be worked with if I want to be happy with myself, and it's not been the easiest of ventures.

 

A-MEN!

 

If you're on Facebook, hell if you're on the internet, you're signing up to see and read things you don't really care about, or that maybe you'll envy. From job promotions to posts about poop. I think it's silly how many "selfies" people on my Facebook post, but they probably think my pictures of my dog and posts about books are annoying. Whatever. Deal with it, or delete your Facebook.



Future Thoughts

When I first enrolled into my university, I chose my major to be in English/Secondary Education. I thought I would teach high schoolers because they aren't babies and I could talk to them a bit more directly. Also, young kids make me nervous. I like them and get along with them well, but if you say something wrong to a little one you will be up shit's creek quick! I liked the idea of particular limitations in public schooling, like censoring content and that certain subjects were taboo. No sex, religion, politics, etc. I could live with that. Then I got to observe a classroom through a community college course. Eh. Apart from how unruly the kids were, if not impossible, it made me really sad to hear some of the teachers talk about the students being stupid. I mean, I'm closer to their age, and I while I wasn't in high school, I was still a student at the time.

I saw teachers have to monitor dress codes, handle kids with devastating personal problems, insult students behind their backs, talk about other faculty, put on a movie instead of reading the entire text. It was overwhelming. I thought, maybe once I actually do it I will feel less disenchanted. Maybe once I take more classes I will feel better. Not so much. I think it's an old cliché, but I truly believe you have to be the right type of person to teach Elementary/Secondary education. You have to want it completely, have patience, be thick skinned, and smart.

I dropped Secondary Education from my degree because I didn't think I would be happy doing it, and frankly, I see myself being happier and more fulfilled at the junior college or university level. I've never shadowed a professor, but I've talked enough to my professors to get an idea of what they do all day (in fairness, shadowing or talking about it is probably the more gentle way to see how they do their jobs). I feel that my humor, temperament, passions, and mentality are better suited for the collegiate level. Also, as I've become more passionate about literature, the more I dislike the idea of having to censor political, sexual, religious, themes. I mean, there's a reason why I hated Shakespeare in high school and love him as a college graduate. There are themes deemed too suggestive for the teenage audience. And how can you teach Shakespeare without talking about the dirty innuendos?

Personally, I do not think everyone is cut out to be a teacher, be it a grade school or college teacher. I have had professors who I do not think could handle a high school classroom be it because they are too polite, or too intense. The same goes for my teachers in grade school. I don't know that a few of them could handle teaching at a collegiate level. They both require different demands. I think it's important to be really smart though, regardless of what type of teaching you do. I'm sure everyone who has been through school can remember a teacher or professor that was a disaster and seemingly had no business teaching. Be it because they couldn't handle their classroom, or teach well. There are also the people who teach that seemingly don't care at all about their content, students, or anything at all. We've all been there.

Teaching high school didn't make me feel excited, but rather, I would dread the thought of it. Regardless of what you're trying to do, you should feel excited about it! Anxiety is to be anticipated, but dread shouldn't be a thing. I just don't imagine myself being happy or able to handle a classroom of crazy sixteen year olds.

The thought of being a teacher at a university or community college is exciting and terrifying to me. I understand that I'm not a genius, and getting the job is a bitch on wheels, but I need to try for myself. I could see myself being happy being immersed in literature, giving lectures, or even conducting my own research. I understand there is a risk for bad pay, but seriously, I don't think anyone who wants to teach should expect high pay. However, if things don't work, I'll try something new and start again. I have to try.

I imagine there are downsides to college, just as there are for grade school. You've got to deal with students who don't feel the need to show up, care, and only put in enough effort to pass the class with a mediocre grade so they can graduate. You've also got the uppity students who think they're above and beyond everyone. Yes, getting an A is good, being an honors student, or doing your own research in your leisure is not a bad way to go, but you aren't above anyone. That person you call professor or doctor is in charge. Are they perfect? No. But it's their class. Pretentious students, I reckon, annoy their professors as much as classmates. Not to mention department politics. I'm not naïve enough to think their lives are a bed of roses, and that all of my professors probably like one another. Like any job, there will be bullshit, people who suck, annoying rules and standards, etc. Not to mention the whole professorial tenure process/hierarchy of different level of professor...eek.

Teachers have to deal with faculty and tenure too. Not to mention making the content appropriate for the audience, monitoring the language students use, and their clothing choices. If they blow off class or arrive late then it's a call or an e-mail to mother. If you offend someone, mama may find out and get on your case. Because they are minors, the rules are different and special care must be taken. Honestly, I just don't think I'm right for it. I know people who will be, and I'm surely smart enough to teach high school, but I don't know if I have the personality or temperamental capacity. I'm going with my gut on this one; I'll never know if I don't push and give it a try.

I'd rather look back on my choices and go "yeah, I went for that" than "why didn't I try that? I wish I had done that."

Song To Know

I'm a diehard loyal to Nick Cave. I adore his music, and this one is no different. It's the first single off of his more recent album Push the Sky Away. It's haunting, eerie, and all of the glory that is Nick Cave. I don't think anyone could sing this song but him. His voice, VOICE! AAAAH. Dying. Dead. Done. In a coma from the wonderment.

"We know who you are, and we know where you live, and we know there's no need to forgive."

Chills. Just chills. Like a bonehead, I neglected to include this one on my Nick Cave 101 post.

Manners

I think working in various retail stores since 2008 has given me quite the unpleasant view of the way people can be so awful to others. I reckon anyone who has worked in any sort of customer service position can relate. Generally speaking, most people aren't friendly or they are just aloof and aren't really there to do anything but look. However, you do get those people who are so nasty that you wonder if they were ever taught to be freaking nice to people. I'm surely not Miss Manners, but I try. I try to be polite and respectful of other people because it's just the way to be. Just because someone is pouring your drink and folding the clothes you want to buy, it does not mean they are of an inferior race of humans. Yet, sadly, some people do treat us that way.

Don't get me wrong, those of us who work in customer service are not always majestic, perfect little angels. We've all experienced poor service somewhere. I once went to a bar where I got a drink that had a bug in it, and the waiter basically ignored me the entire night in a seemingly deliberate fashion. I wasn't rude, I just wanted a drink void of a dead bug. I've also experienced walking into a store where the employees don't even acknowledge my presence, sit around gossiping, swearing on the floor, or stalk me around the store as if I'm a thief. Recently, I went into a bookstore to order a book and the employee did not ask me to verify the edition I wanted. I looked up the copy he ordered for me, and it was abridged (considering the book is originally 1500 pages, and this version was near 600...yeah no thank you). Personally, I guess if I saw different editions/prices for a book coming up, I'd ask the customer which it would be that they want. This list goes on of fouls. Sometimes we customer service people do suck because we are patronizing or too smothering or completely negligent. It happens.

As an employee, I do try, with earnest, to be polite and respectful to people. However, sometimes it's really difficult when people will not ever stoop to say "hello" back to you when you greet them. Today, I watched a woman basically throw a shopping bag at my co-worker. Then, while she was shopping, she had a decent number of items racked on her arm. In EVERY clothing store I've worked, I've been taught to ask a customer with full hands if they'd like a fitting room started so they don't have to carry all of these heavy clothes about. I politely asked her if I could start her a room, and she says "No. I will let you know when I need help." I could understand if we had been pushy or rude to her, but we weren't. I mean, she was planning to try all of these clothes on, and she had several articles of clothing, why wouldn't you want your hands free? Something so trivial as that to be rude about. Rudeness for the sake of rudeness.

None of us had been rude to her, as is often the case when people are snarky to customer service employees. I've seen circumstances in which the customer surly reaction to an employee was justified because we were being disrespectful. Personally, I can't stand when I feel like I'm being followed in a store, but if that happens, I'll leave. I'm not about to get pissy because it's hardly worth the energy.

Honestly, I joke about it a lot, but I really think that manners should be taught in schools because seemingly they aren't learning them at home. Politeness, "please," "thank you," a "hello" back, etc. it gets you so far in life! And it is so appreciated. Don't be disrespectful of us because we are in customer service. Many of us are college educated, or just intelligent without the need of a degree (some of us do suffer from stupidity, in fairness). We are humans. We make mistakes. We would not try to offend you on purpose because if we did that we would get fired, and not a single person these days can stand to lose their job even if they are in something like food service or retail. Forgive us if we apologize; I promise, we mean it when we do.

I think schools should implement manners/etiquette into their curriculum through the grade school years and into university. They teach us to play nice with others in kindergarten, but they never continue to lesson! From respecting other people, to dining manners to job interview manners, I think it would be tremendously worthwhile if we taught these things in schools.

I also think at some point everyone should experience customer service. Nothing teaches you patience and humility in such a hands-on way.  Whenever I go into a store now, I do my best to be respectful. If the employee speaks to me, I kindly reply. If I pick something up or knock it over, I put it back as it was. I often will talk to them because they are surely bored out of their mind if it's a slower working day. And having to deal with someone that's a virtual stranger being mean to you doesn't always get easier. Eventually, you do learn to let it slide and laugh it off, but it's still a slow process to develop a thick skin, if you ever do.

Amanda Drives!

As people who know me are aware, driving scares me a lot. I can drive the places I'm familiar or used to, but the unknown is like a cannonball of anxiety. My issue with driving is not some sort of prissy complex where I just want Morgan Freeman to drive me around or something, but rather, a legitimate fear. However, ever since I've been back from college I have missed my professors and friends-so much so that I would drive! My friend down there texted me to just do it, and drive down. So as a spontaneous decision, I did it. I'm thinking the spontaneity was probably a good thing because I would have been likely to just bail out of nerves if this was planned a few weeks in advance.

But I did it! I survived! As I e-mailed to one of my professors, there was a body count of zero between the to and from drives. I didn't take an interstate or anything, and just stuck to the back roads, which really wasn't that bad! Plus there were donkeys, llamas, and cows everywhere. I had printed directions, my GPS, and mixed CDs to keep me stimulated but in a relaxed way. Oh yeah, and lots of caffeine. The caffeine was a must. I was a bit clammy handed and nervous, but I survived it.

It was a very brief trip but well worth it. I got to see a few of my friends and professors, plus I bought my academic regalia! It was super nice getting to catch up with the people I did see, and have my morale boosted a little. It certainly has felt like my little college family is a continent away, but now knowing that it's just a few hundred miles that roughly add up to 2-3 hours, and that I can handle the drive, I know I can come see them whenever I have the time!

I don't say this often because I'm really quite hard on myself, but I actually feel proud of myself. Driving is an anxiety that I've carried with me for years, and I'm finally beginning to crack it!

Can We Stop?

I'm hardly the PC police, and those of you who know me well enough have surely heard me make a joke about something in a vulgar or demeaning sense. Maybe I'm cynical, but I think most of us probably have made a joke or laughed at one because of someone's gender, race, sexuality, religion, disability, psychological state, etc. Honestly, I wouldn't believe someone who says they've never indulged in some form of humor that is less than kind to a group of people, or they've never in their life used a word with a particular connotation. I'm not one to be preachy, but I'm about to be preachy.

Can we please stop using "retard/retarded" as slang, or to mean "stupid" or whatever you want it to mean?

I'm not going to sit here and act like I've never used that word because I have. However, at some point in my teenage years I realized this wasn't acceptable, and that it was ignorant. Also, it's just more fun to call someone a "jackass." I think it gets the point better, granted there are times when using that as an insult is just plain rude to the donkey.

Today at work I heard a co-worker, while on the sale's floor, refer to something as being "retarded." Over time, this word has been one that makes me cringe anyway, but this scenario made my skin crawl. Not only did she say it in front of customers, but in front of a woman who came into the store with her mentally disabled daughter in a wheelchair.

The facepalms...and the urge to slam head to wall.

 

I was disturbed, and fortunately the woman didn't appear to hear this happen. It would've been one thing if she had been behind the scenes, but she was at the bloody cash register! I know not everyone thinks that word is offensive, but I personally do. I don't think it is acceptable to use that type of language at you job, even if you are a little sale's associate. I had a moment where I thought about correcting her, but I don't know that I want to start drama with someone I've only known for two days (not to mention cause a scene in front of customers). Considering the other words I heard pretty casually used on the sale's floor it's only a matter of time before she (and I use she pretty openly, because I'm not sure which of the two girls I worked with said it...they both were swearing on the floor though) is caught and reprimanded. Knowing the professionalism of my store manager, I can only imagine she wouldn't tolerate it.

 

I just don't like use of this word as something derogatory, or meant to mean someone is stupid. Not to sound like those commercials advocating PC language, but knock it off. Get a thesaurus because there are better words AND they are work appropriate. For me, it's right up there with words like "faggot." I think they are offensive, to put it mildly, and have absolutely zero place at work. Just because we work in a retail store it does not mean we cannot be intelligent, well-spoken, and mannered people.

Amanda's Tom Waits Introduction

As I did one with Nick, I figured I should give a post to another of my main musical men: the one and only Tom Waits.

Hi, Tom. Hi.

 

I eased slowly into Tom's music, and I only knew a few songs by him before I went from casual listener to a diehard follower. I've known his name for at least a decade, seeing it in magazines, or hearing other musicians talk about him but I never dove in. Frankly, I think it's good that I didn't jump in immediately because, as I've mentioned before I'm sure, I think you need to be ready for the art you love. When it comes to books, music, movies and the like, I honestly believe you have to meet them at the right place and time in your life in order for them to fit with you best. I'd love to say I was a cool eight year old who listened to guys like Tom and grew up on him, but I didn't, and had I encounter him as a young'n, I wouldn't have appreciated his music at all.

 

For me, one thing I love about Tom is the way he combines the binaries of light and darkness, and also that his darkness isn't engendered in something artificial, but rather from the human condition. He can create a song with beautiful, romantic lyrics, yet his voice sounds hardly like the balladeer of a movie musical rom-com (although his early music did with songs like In Between Love which are completely swoon-worthy and his voice sounds nothing like the one we know and love him for now).  While he combines the binaries, he is also quite grand at keeping them apart with songs that are nothing but dark in lyric or orchestration. I like to think his darkness is beyond the superficial because he expresses the pain that every single person experiences, and his voice just sounds like the monsters in your head, 3:00AM insomnia, whiskey, and cigarettes. He's storyteller (and he often writes about characters you don't really want to meet, yet somehow you know them), and honestly, just too complicated to explain well, so here's my list of favorite songs in no particular order. The fun of being a fan of Tom is that every fan you encounter will have a list that varies wildly, like Nick Cave.

 

Long Way Home

This song got me through my wild anxiety during my Spring 2013 semester where I'd literally feel like my skin was on fire and turned inside out. Lyrically, I think he's just on point. "Watch your back, keep your eyes shut tight, your love's the only thing I've ever known." And don't we all take the long way home at sometime or another, be it metaphorically or actually just taking your time to get where you want to be? Unquestionably one of my all-time favorite songs by Mr. Waits (it's tied for the very favorite with Fannin' Street).

 

Tom Traubert's Blues

Also identifiable by the chorus of "waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you, come waltzing Matilda with me." I don't think this song needs to be explained. There's nothing unlovable about it.

 

Ruby's Arms

If this isn't one of the most heart wrenching songs you've ever heard, you probably are void of a pulse. The story in this song is so sad. AAAAH. I love that he mentions a "chest of drawers" in the song, and there's something about a little detail like the chest of drawers which I love in a song. And how could lyrics like "I'll feel my way down the darken hall, and out into the morning, the hobos
 at the freightyards, have kept their fires burning. So Jesus Christ this goddamn rain! Will someone put me on a train? I'll never kiss your lips again, or break your heart, as I say goodbye, I'll say goodbye, say goodbye to Ruby's arms." Excuse me while I sit in the dark and weep.

 

Fannin' Street

This is without a doubt one of my favorite songs by Tom, and if I made a top five, this would be in there. I posted the link to the live version because I prefer the way his voice songs, but I adore the studio recording as well. I personally love the way he sings "you'll be lost and never found" and "I know just where the sidewalk ends" in the live version because of the way his voice echoes. My favorite lyrics, "Once I held you in my arms, I was sure, and I took that silent step through the gilded door. The desire to have much more, all the glitter and the roar. Now I know just where the sidewalk ends." Just beautiful, tragic, and perfect. The grass isn't always greener, and the things/people you meet who seem great and perfect are not always as they seem (a lesson I've certainly learned with some disappointment and sadness). This song tells me what type of mood I'm in because the good days, I'll smile when I listen to it, and sit in awe that a song in possession of such magic exists. On the bad days, I know exactly what he's singing about, and feeling like I now "know just where the sidewalk ends."

 

God's Away on Business

This song is just sinister because it's about the terribleness of people and the damage they bring. Personally, I think Shakespeare's King Lear would listen to this song and it would resonate. The tragedy he endures would surely make him thing God was away on business.

 

Martha

This pretty song about love that got away is hard not to love. "I remember quiet evenings, trembling close to you." Talk about a way to end a song! I'm also quite partial to the way he sings "all that really matter then was that I was a man." If you need an explanation for this one, I cannot help you. This is one of the first songs of his I really fell in love with.

 

Lonely

So few words, yet painfully clear. I don't think this song needs a lot of words to convey the meaning, especially with the accompanying piano. " Lonely eyes, Lonely eyes, Lonely lonely in your place."

 

Cemetery Polka

I don't have a lot of words for this one, but it's one of the first songs by Tom I ever listened to. It's zany, macabre, and oddly humorous. "Auntie Mame has gone insane she lives in the doorway of an old hotel. And the radio's playing opera and all she ever says is "go to Hell."

 

The Part You Throw Away

I have no idea what a "tidy Mexican divorce" is meant to mean, but man does he sing it well! Personally, I like this live version better than the studio because his voice is more raw. I find I like a lot of his songs live over their studio recordings because there's a different quality to his voice, and he conveys the emotions more effectively. I think the studio versions are a bit more tangible to someone who isn't a fan of his, and a good way to ease someone into his music because not everyone can handle that growl right away.

 

A Little Rain

I include this one because it's grown on me profoundly in the past few months. At first I thought it was a good song. A nice song. However, the more I listen to it the more I love it. "The world is round and so I'll go around. You must risk something that matters. My hands are strong, I'll take any man here. If it's worth the going, It's worth the ride." The final verse will break your stone heart.

 

Trampled Rose

Another live version I love much, much more than the studio recording. I don't think the studio version holds a candle to the live versions out there. The lyrics are pure poetry as well, "Sky's the autumn grey of a lonely wren." Lovely. I also am obsessed with how he sings "I know that rose just like I know my name, the one I give my love. I swear, it was the same. Now I find it in the street, a trampled rose."

 

Diamonds and Gold

I don't know how anyone could dislike this one, from the orchestration to the lyrics. It's just really interesting and pretty in it's way. "Small time Napoleon's shattered his knees but he stays in the saddle for Rose." Virtually incapable of being unlovable.

 

Here's where I'll end it for tonight. Perhaps, as I said with my Nick Cave post, I'll do a part two, because, yet again, I'm remembering other brilliant songs. But here are some of my most favorite at the moment. In conclusion, Tom Waits is just good for the soul.

 

 

 

 

 



Work, Work, Work

I had my first day back at the store I work at today, and it was exhausting and long. However, I did enjoy it a bit! It was nice getting dressed, putting on makeup, and getting up. Standing for 7-8 hours a day is tiresome, but I'd rather a job that involves standing than sitting all day. While it's not what I was hoping for, being retail and it isn't full time, I am glad I was about to come back. Any money is better than none, and if I get hours like I'll have next week, I could save a nice little bit of money if I save my pennies. Wearing all black is a bit sad after awhile, but at least it will hopefully keep me in check in regards to spending my money. If I can't wear it to work, I won't be able to wear it too much unless I get a second job that doesn't require a color dress code, days off if I go somewhere, or until I hopefully begin graduate school again. I'm definitely going to keep applying to maybe get a second gig going. I want to just dedicate this time to making as much money as I can. Ideally, upon getting readmitted to grad school and getting the fellowship, I would like to still try and pay my loans (since they will be pretty low monthly payments, and my rent at my potential location will be quite low).

I do actually enjoy the job because it keeps me on my toes, and I really like what we sell. The clothes, a bit pricy at times, but they are nice, and grown up. I sometimes will find clothing in juniors stores, but at 24 I think I am a bit too old for places like Charlotte Russe and Forever 21. I own things from these places, but some of the things they sell are so obviously meant for a teenager and really short. I am not a fan of a mini-mini skirt at all. This place is classy, grown up, versatile, and even better, the portions are understanding of the female form. I also like the people I work with. There was a rough patch when I worked there last summer, but now that it's been handled, I think being back will hopefully be nothing but positive.

And no, I will not disclose where I work for privacy reasons.

I Am SO Happy For Ellen Page.

I have been a fan of Ellen Page ever since Juno. I don't know how anyone couldn't have loved her in that film, and because of how great she was I went on to see her in various other roles. Still great. The big news about her today is that she's come out as a lesbian, and I am SO happy for her. She presented this wonderful speech, which every single person should watch:

There is so much about this speech that I think every single person can resonate with regardless of your sexuality. I do not think anyone should have to live a life of fear because of one aspect of who they are. I am generally a person who tries to understand both sides of the coin when it comes to social or political issues, but equals rights for the LGBTQ is an issue I cannot see an alternative to in any way, shape, or form. The earnestness of her voice could not be more convincing, and if I were someone who needed it, I'd be sold. People should not have to hide who they are to avoid being abused by society. Can you imagine living with something that is a part of who you are that you're afraid to reveal because by doing so you could put everything from your career to personal safety in jeporady? Living with a huge secret can make you sick. The way she describes the torment that millions of people live with on a daily basis is heartbreaking.

I've seen gossip blogs questions her sexuality ever since she emerged onto the radar. She always brushed off the questions on the grounds that it is nobody's business. I couldn't agree more. I don't think it is the business of anyone who we love and feel attracted to. No one should feel pressured to share that, but they also should not feel ashamed if they want to. I applaud her fully.

I Don't Care About Valentine's Day

I do not say this with bitterness or envy; I don't care about Valentine's Day. I'm really quite aloof to it. It's just another day that I wear red lipstick (I wearing it daily). One perk is that I can eat a lot of chocolate and nobody gives me lip for it, but that's really all I've got. I do not feel sad or lonely because I'm single. I don't resent my friends who are married, engaged, dating, etc. who are posting about their Valentine. Well, I may a wee bit because I'm quite unlucky when it comes to love, and I have the obnoxious habit of falling for people I can't have, and oftentimes the guys who are interested in me I want nothing to do with romantically. My most recent interest is an Eponine 101 scenario. I fell for him, but he has no idea (and never will because it's unhealthy).

Anyways, the holiday is really not important to me. Would I like to have a relationship? Yes. However, I don't think the time is right. Apart from no one tangible being about (and the tangible aren't people I want. Seriously, enough with the drunken late night Facebook messages guys) I just don't think the time is right. I just finished university, and I'm in the post-uni shuffle of trying to get a job. Hopefully I'll be going to graduate school this August. If someone came along then I wouldn't be closed off to them because of my life hopefully being a bit busy and crazy. However, I just don't think it's right for now.

Also, I'm not going to act like I choose singledom. It's a chronic condition. I've always had questionable amounts of confidence, and I am much more introverted than a lot of people realize. I can talk in class, to customers, or post funny, sharp things online that would insinuate that I'm not a shy person. However, I have a tendency to be really quiet and shy, especially if I'm nervous. One of the reasons I'm able to talk in class, little known fact, is because I'll write down what I want to say so that I don't ramble or forget. If someone were to take my pulse while talking in class, or to a customer at work, you'd think I just popped off the treadmill. This nervousness goes into guys. The minute I decide I like someone I get a little shy with them, and probably sabotage myself in that respect.

I don't sit around moping about Valentine's Day or dreading the day when it comes. I'm indifferent. I'm actually more depressed if I don't have plans for Halloween. I remember hating it, and finding Valentine's to be the worst day ever as a teenager because you'd have couples bringing each other gifts while you sit there by yourself. In junior high, you could buy carnations for your friends/the person you liked and they would pass them out during the gym period. I remember it being profoundly depressing for me as an thirteen year old, sitting there watching friends of mine get tons of flowers while I had a grand total of zero. Around the same time that year, my grandmother passed away, and I had been in the shuffle of her wake, funeral, and burial. That was a justifiably depressing Valentine's Day.

I still think it's rather silly to be so annoyed by it. I'd rather meet someone who treats me special all year round than the heart-shaped boxes holiday. There are worse things on earth than not having a date or significant other for Valentine's Day.

I Compare Myself to Other People Too Much.

This is a problem and I need to learn how to stop. There will always be people who are smarter than me and dumber than me. There will always be people who are thinner, fatter, whatever. I need to accept that.

My undergraduate education is done. I wish I could go back and do certain aspects of it over without a doubt. I would've taken my community college courses much more seriously and actually tried hard. Unfortunately, I was demotivated because I had no understanding of how this would all pay off for me or where it would take me, and a lot of my classes where there should have been an A there was a B, and a C rather than a B...and unfortunately farther down the line. I had to repeat a total of four classes (Chemistry, both levels of Math, and a Psychology course with a woman who has zero business teaching). Now, classes like Mathematic or Sciences are not my strongest suit. However, I had a few classes that I really could have gotten an A rather than a B if I had studied and put effort into it.

When I got to Longwood I turned it around. I never had to repeat a course, and the majority of my grades were A's and A-'s. Sometimes I wonder if I would've done better going there for the entire four years, but I don't really know for sure. I'm graduating with honors (measly POINTS from Magna Cum Laude) and I had three A's and two A-'s for my final semester. My first semester went well considering if was my first stint at university, more B's than A's but not bad, my second I only had one B, and unfortunately my third was a rough patch because of personal problems I was having, giving me grades ranging from A to C+. Do I wish I could redo that semester and push harder, or maybe drop classes? Yes. But I cannot do that now.

While my grades at CC weren't great, they weren't completely awful either. When I apply for graduate school (and maybe more) I can stress that I wasn't a motivated or confident student at the time. I struggled to find a direction that made sense, but once I began my literature courses at Longwood my mentality turned around, and I think based on my drastic change in performance that I've found a better sense of motivation, dedication and direction. If I can swing it, I may find a way to take French classes, and if I excel in a language and prove I'm capable then I could make my case better. Plus, if I do well with the GRE then I could really show I'm able. When I was at Longwood I was inducted into Sigma Alpha Pi, and honors society that recognizes leadership potential in students, and faculty members selects the students. I have massive moves of redemption in my favor. I just have keep them in mind, and take the ones for me to reach.

If I rock my MA, I could really give myself an edge.

I actually almost feel better after typing this out. I just have to keep it together. I can't be perfect, and I can redo the stupid things I did as a kid. I've just got to stop being a bastard to myself, and to just push for all that it's worth. I won't wind up in the Ivy League, but I'll get somewhere.

Don't Rape.

A friend of mine on Facebook recently posted this article about rape, and why boys come into college thinking rape is funny. It's positively baffling to think of anyone finding rape or jokes about rape funny. I'm thinking about what could be funny about it, and I'm hearing crickets. Yes, sexually assaulting someone is hilarious. Raping someone, and damaging their ability to trust and go about their everyday life is stuff made for comedy. If you didn't understand that as sarcasm, you need to just get off my blog right now because clearly you're lost.

One of the things I immediately loved about my university was the fact that it is a pretty safe campus. It's a smaller university, and not in the middle of urban culture like a school in Richmond or Norfolk. Things absolutely happen, but it's not on a tremendous scale. Sometimes we have weekend reports of female students being assaulted or grabbed in the wee hours of morning. Usually the reports take place around the fraternity houses. I'm not saying fraternities are rapists, but they have parties. I've been to frat parties before and apart from the fact that it's just dirty and gross in those houses, there are drunk people everywhere. Guys and girls who can barely walk or formulate a sentence because they are so hammered. It's more disturbing than fun, really. Needless to say, my friend and I didn't stay long.

It's disturbing that that there are guys out there who see a drunk girl as an opportunity. It's disturbing that girls/women are taught not to walk alone after a certain time of day and not to dress in particular ways. I don't understand why it isn't common sense that if a woman says she doesn't want to have sex, or is too incapacitated to think clearly, then no is the answer. We life in a culture that tells girls and women to do particular things to avoid being assaulted but we never tells boys that rape is bad. It's a violation which often leads to physical and mental damage for the victim. So while the attacker gets that temporary gratification, the victim is stuck living with it for the rest of their lives.

I'm not thinking that anything I'm saying is really fresh or new. In fact, as I'm typing this it feels redundant. However, while it is common sense to me that rape is wrong, clearly not everyone's gotten the memo because rape happens. A lot. It would be awesome if it never happened, and should it occur, it is something so shocking it makes headline news because the thought of a woman at college, the bar, ANYWHERE, and dressed in ANY way, being raped is repulsive and horrifying.

It's also, like, illegal. So maybe think about that.

No one is asking for it. When I go to the bar and have a few drinks, I am not asking for it. When I show my cleavage or wear a tight skirt, I am not asking for it. When I wear red lipstick I am not asking for it. If I am opinionated and out-spoken I am not asking for it. If I'm shy, I am not asking for it. If I am walking alone, day or night, I am not asking for it. If I have had sex with multiple people in the past, I am not asking for it. If I am a virgin, I am not asking for it. The list goes on.

Unfortunately, rape culture is not just assault. It's also just the way women are treated. When I was nineteen, I remember walking through the mall on a break and I was wearing a particular pair of tights. Men stared at me, made comments, whistled, etc. I was not asking for that attention. A woman of any age cannot even walk through the mall, dressed as she wants to without being bothered? What's even scarier is that girls as young as thirteen (and younger) are objectified in this way.

I know this post is short, and I've not mention male rape. Yes, male rape happens, however I know more about female rape than male rape (and it occurs much more with females). It's just really disturbing that it's even an issue, and that it isn't taken more seriously within our culture considering the frequency of it. Universities and colleges don't want to go through with reports because they are afraid it will make them look bad, but wouldn't a cover up appear worse? If I went to a university known for trying to cover up these things rather than handling them I wouldn't feel safe, and I would probably transfer to another school.

Crabby Amanda is Crabby.

I'm dealing with some cabin fever today. The thing that grates about being home is that I am so isolated. I can't really go out because I'm broke. Yes, I'm about to have my part-time job back but I'm going to have to pinch that money tightly until I can get something else off and running to do.

One problem I'm really having, finances aside, is that I really miss my friends. I miss having people around that I can talk to and have fun with who are on the same page as me. And yes, not really having a care apart from getting my academics done. Everyone is right there, and now I'm three hours away. I don't know where my friends here are, and even so it wouldn't make a huge difference because I'm so broke we wouldn't be able to do something fun anyway. I have a few friends in the same boat as me, and some who are around but make no effort to see me, as well as the people who "suck" that I wrote about.

I miss my professors a bit too, and classes in general. I like being able to talk about something I've read for an hour a few times a week, and not have it be something met with the response of "who cares?" I miss feeling smart and encouraged for being smart. Not that my parents don't think I'm smart, it's just a different dynamic.

At some point I'll have to go down and visit. These crazy days are becoming progressively more crazy. I hope maybe working and getting out of my house a little will help. It's just not so easy to stay motivated sometimes. I'm trying to keep in mind that Grad School is awaiting (as long as I'm re-admitted) and time is going pretty fast! February is almost over, really. Then it will be Graduation in two months, and then hopefully I'll be heading back in August. I have a plan that I want to follow. It's a good plan. I just can't lose focus or allow myself to let anything (or anyone) demotivate me.

Amanda's Nick Cave Introduction Course.

I haven't written about music lately, so why not give a post to Nick Cave?

He always wears really debonair suits.

Hands down, he is my favorite musician out there. He's a great songwriter, composer, showman, singer, dresser, etc. He has it all going! One thing I love about Nick is that his darkness is not so overzealous, exaggerated or obvious, but rather he goes for the dark aspects of everyday thought and life. Like Tom Waits, Nick, for me, reaches into that deep part of your gut, or that voice in the back of your head that sounds like anything from a monster to an angel (okay, that's cheesy, but you get my point). I love musicians whose music evolves. Every album of Nick's is different, and he can go from a gentle piano to a howling guitar. As Nick is a musician who has a long career, every fan will have very different favorites. Here are a some of mine, in no particular order:

He Wants You
This song is from his album Nocturama. A lot of his fans dislike this album, but I absolutely love it. There's something about this song, I don't know. I have nothing eloquent to offer, it just does it for me with the piano and the lyrics, particularly the first verse. And the way he sings the word "oar." I like it.

Still In Love
Another ballad from Nocturama. I love the orchestration of this song. I think it's perfect, and the story the lyrics tell is cryptic and compelling. My favorite lines, "Fall asleep in the summer rain with no single memory of pain," and "Call me up baby and I'll answer your call/Call me up, but remember I am no use to you at all." I think it captures the sadness and complicatedness of love.

Lime Tree Arbour
From The Boatman's Call. This is easily my favorite album by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. The songs are quite sad on this record, having been written after during/after the dissolution of his relationship with PJ Harvey (You should know this Nick Cave song too, it's glorious, and PJ has a great voice. Plus it's a MURDER ballad).

Bring It On
From Nocturama. Finally a song that's a bit more upbeat. I think this song is, hands down, one of my favorite songs. I love the strings. And the lyrics are so gorgeous. "The geraniums on your window sill/The carnations, dear, and the daffodil/Well, they're ordinary flowers but they long for the light of your touch/And of your trembling will/You're trembling still, and I am trembling too/To be perfectly honest I don't know quite what else to do."

Jubilee Street
From Push the Sky Away. I listened to this song repeatedly last spring when it came out because for some reason it did something for my anxiety that felt like "a ten ton catastrophe on a sixty-pound chain." Also, for reasons the line "the problem was, she had a little black book and my name was written on every page" just makes me think of somebody at that particular time in my life (I will never reveal who). And the way he sings "every page" gives me chills.

Jack the Ripper
From Henry's Dream. Do I really need to give a description to entice you? Isn't the title enough? "She screams out 'Jack the Ripper' every time I try to give that girl a kiss."

Knoxville Girl
From his B-sides and Rarities box set. I think it's brilliant because there's something oddly humorous about something as dark as a murder ballad.

Sleeping Annaleah
From Kicking Against the Pricks. I just love it and have nothing profound to explain why I love it. I think my favorite aspect of it is his voice.

Up Jumped the Devil
From Tender Prey. Lyrically, a dark little number. Do I have to explain why this one is appealing too? The title of the song AND the record's name should be all you need to know. It's creepy, gothic, and wonderful.

Straight to You
From Henry's Dream. This will be played at my wedding at some point. I think it's a fantastic love song, and there is something unconventional about it. Just a gorgeous song.

Are You The One That I've Been Waiting For?
From The Boatman's Call. I was in love with this song from the first time I heard it, but recently a whole new layer of meaning and love for me. Nick is a well-read man, and while I did a study on Oscar Wilde came across some connections. Not only did Nick write his own version of Salome, but he references Wilde's De Profundis in this song with the lyrics, "out of sorrow entire worlds have been built." Wilde's wrote, "but out of sorrow have the worlds been built."

Love Letter
From And No More Shall We Part. As you can see, I'm partial to Nick at the piano. The fun of Nick is the juxtaposition between songs like this and Let Love In or The Curse of Millhaven. This song had me hook from the opening verse, "I hold this letter in my hand/A plea, a petition, a kind of prayer." And the closing words of "Please come back to me." Grab yourself a tissue for this one.

The Lyre of Orpheus
From Abbatoir Blues/The Lyre of Orpheus. I love the bluesy orchestration and his re-telling of the Orpheus myth into something darkly funny, "Eurydice appeared brindled in blood and said to Orpheus 'If you play that fucking thing down here I'll stick it up your orifice.'" Poetry.

To Be By Your Side
My final song for this post. I'm not sure where this one comes from, or what it was written for. I found it once just watching videos of Nick on YouTube. I don't think it's hard to fall in love with this one.

That's where I'll end this post for now. I could go on, and on. Maybe in the future I'll do a part two because it's really quite hard to name all the ones I love. Seriously, I didn't even get into his Grinderman music, or the songs he composed for movies. I'm remembering songs now that I should have included, like Midnight Man or his cover of Leonard Cohen's Suzanne. But I need to wrap it up for now. Go forth, read, Go towards the Cave.

Show Up On Time

I just listened to my sister talk about an employee bailing on work because she didn't feel well due to the fact she had been nightclubbing the prior night. Like any boss, she did not find that to be a valid excuse to call out from work. Everyone has been late at some point be it for work, class, church, etc. It happens, but it shouldn't be consistent. Even if the job is something you find insignificant. I do not aspire to work in retail my entire life, but that is the job I have right now until I hopefully can find another to do with it before going to graduate school. Having said that, showing up on time is hardly an issue. I live in Northern Virginia, where the traffic is ridiculous being so close to D.C. From my house I can get to the mall where I work in about fifteen minutes without traffic, but with traffic it can take an hour. I like to arrive early anyhow, so I try to leave a good forty minutes before my shift depending on what time I'm starting.

During school, I worked out a decent routine with classes. When I commuted to community college being on time was not always an issue, but there was a good phase where I didn't care, and I would show up late/not at all (and my grades those semesters reflected that). For whatever reason, when I got to Longwood my head was screwed back on and I figured it out. If my class started at 4:00PM, I knew to try and leave 10-15 minutes prior to class starting. I'm not going to act like I didn't stroll in a few minutes late sometimes, or right when the professor walks in particularly during morning classes. I'm not a morning person at all, and I think it would be super if waking up early was waking up at eleven, but alas, that is not the case. Some mornings it take the jaws of life, a RedBull, and a cup of coffee to get me out of bed. But I suck it up.

Being on time not always shows you are mature and have some integrity, but it also shows respect for your class or your boss. Just think about it; this person's job is to show up at a particular time to teach YOU about something that will help YOU graduate. YOU (or your parents) are paying for you to be in that class, and god knows you probably spent $100.00 minimum for the course's text(s). Do you really want to lose that money? My university is small, and once you get passed the core curriculum classes, and into specific classes for your major, there are classes that are only offered with one or two professors. How awkward would that be?

To me, not only the fact that my professors consider your attendance apart of your grade at my university, but it's also just a little awkward to be late! I always feel like a huge jerk showing up late for something. Be it work or school, being on time says that you have integrity and care. And if your bosses and professors know you care, then you have one more person in your corner to give you a recommendation or a reference. Also, if you DO have an off day where you're late or can't come in for work, they will more likely to have sympathy and cut you some slack. However, if you're late on a daily basis, your car breaks down all the time, grandma's having her 5th funeral, and you forget to set your alarm everyday...mercy will probably not be had. Stop making excuses and be there!

Naturally, there are exceptions, but generally, just show up on time!

To Record or Not to Record?

We've all been to an event where someone cannot put down their cell phone, camera, or whatever choice recording device they've brought.  If you go on YouTube, there are musicians that have more videos of them that a fan took at a show than official appearances or music videos (copyrighted material).  It's a difficult line for me.  I'm no stranger to snapping pictures at a concert as long as the venue permits it.  However there is a limit. I am not about to keep my camera in the air for the entire concert, snapping away. I take a them, and if I see someone who does costume changes I'll try to get their new attire.  I will admit I was overzealous the second time I saw Marina and the Diamonds, in part because I was a bit drunk.

I never record video.  I personally find it really irritating being stuck behind someone who holds their phone/camera up, obstructing the view for an entire song, or series of songs.  When I saw The Airborne Toxic Event last year, I watched someone get busted for trying to film, and I am not going to lie about being a little happy about it.  Not only were they talking about how they had see the band twenty times, very loudly, before the show even started, but now they are going to attempt and film the entire show?  I don't mind pictures because they are brief compared to a camera or cell phone in the air for an entire song/setlist.

Kind of a sucky thing when you have a good view being blocked by phones, no?

 

It's tough because I personally have enjoyed videos and pictures that people take of concerts.  However, I then wonder if they really experienced the show at all. Lately there have been musicians calling out audience members who cannot put their cameras down (people like Beyoncé). I get that it's awesome to take pictures to serve the memory, especially since concerts go by so quickly that I do not always remember everything. But what is the point of physically being there if you're just going to watch the show behind your camera?  I remember seeing Nick Cave, my favorite, and he was REALLY close to me. Had I tried I would have been able to touch his face because he was so close.  The last thing on my mind would be putting a camera between us.  And I even remember hearing about Rufus Wainwright discussing it. There are loads of videos of him online, and he played a new song at his shows, and I want to think I heard about him expressing to the audience that a lot of them had probably heard it already because it had been uploaded on YouTube. 

 

I think making videos and taking pictures is great because it is a way to get the musician's live show exposure, and more people will want to come if they know the show won't be terrible. If the band isn't well known, videos of their performances can promote them more, simply as "Hey, look at this video I took of a great show I went to" on Facebook.  And if you have friends who like them but could not attend, then they can get a little taste of the show.  However, as an audience member I find it irritating sometimes.  I get taking pictures, but don't just sit there and take a hundred shots of the same pose like a paparazzi.  Try to get some that you think are decent, and carry on.  Enjoy the show. You pay money to see this person live and it's like you're hardly there if you hide behind the camera! Especially if you've got a good view.

 

And I don't personally know, but I'd be curious to know what a musician thinks when they see someone in the front row filming or taking photographs. We are a bit obsessed with documentation in our culture, I get it. I am too sometimes! Apart from, in my opinion, it being more courteous to the performer not to have the phone/camera up the entire show, it will make the people around you less irritated.



Get Rid of People Who Suck

One of the keys to being happy is the aforementioned title: get rid of people who hurt you, and well, just suck.  I've had a series of friendships with people who weren't ideal.  People who patronized me (on purpose), pressured me into doing things I didn't want to, making me feel guilty for things that were more their fault than mine, and in general, just making me feel really bad about myself.  At some point with these types of friendships, something happens to make me want to distance myself, and I'm guilty of waiting until something stupid happens rather than taking the little red flags along the way that should've been exponentially sized hints. Not so much.

I'm not going to play the victim here because more often than not, I know when something is wrong with a situation.  Trust your intuition folks, it's usually onto something, and if there's a rotten stench in Denmark, yield to it, and think about what you should do.  For me, I guess, I am someone who spends a lot of time alone (especially now that I'm home from university).  It gets really lonely, sometimes sad.  It will be Friday or Saturday night, and I'll be sitting at home watching TV, reading, or writing this blog.  Then you get that call, text, Facebook message: "What are you doing? I miss you!"  That person you know you've got to turn away from if you want to be happy and uncompromising about who you are.  However, you're home alone! You're not doing anything important, and the alternative to doing whatever stupid thing this person wants is to sit at home watching re-runs of Say Yes to the Dress.

(Not that Randy isn't charming, but I don't always enjoy watching women pick out dresses for their weddings when I'm sitting at home, alone, in old yoga pants eating cheesecake)

So you go.  You catch up on life a little, but then something happens to remind you why you should've stayed away.  Maybe they say something mean to you, or they pressure you to go along with something they want to do.  Maybe they drag you into a potentially risky situation that you didn't want to risk.  Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.  Sometimes staying home is better than being around people who don't care about you and just want someone to go along with them and share the stupidity.  I try to accept this.  I get the messages and texts, and sometimes it's tempting to instigate those friendships again because I'm bored or lonely.  However, I've learned that these pseudo-friendships aren't worth it.  Stay home and read a book by one of the brilliant Bronte's instead, or swoon over Marlon Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire. Loneliness can suck, but would you rather be alone or dragged into an uncomfortable/dangerous situation?

(You'll need to watch it twice anyhow! Once to drool, and another to understand his character's a creep)

I've already expressed my annoyance with guys who try to date you over Facebook, but I really don't like friends who do this either.  It's one thing if you live in California, and they live in Nebraska, but it's another if you live a few minutes down the road, or on the same college campus.  Hi, I have a face, and it likes talking with humans sometimes.  Also, this is fact: whenever I've gotten into a misunderstanding with a friend, technology has been involved.  Be it via text or messages over Facebook.  I think this is beyond ridiculous, and it's contributing to the passive-aggressive nature of society as a whole...it's just so damn easy to make someone feel bad, or misunderstand something, when there is a screen keeping you safe and hidden.  I don't like friends who cannot talk to my face. There it is.  If a friend makes no effort to want to see you, then don't try to see them. There a people I've given up trying to be friends with because no matter what, they make an excuse, and never attempt to see me.

Also, the activities need to be mutual.  This is something I think about with friends of mine often.  I have gone to stupid bars and clubs because it was what someone else wanted, but would they go somewhere for me?  Would they go to the concert I want to go to?  There are boundaries, of course. Personally, as a person who isn't a fan of rap music, I would never go to a concert with that type of music...but I have gone to clubs. Personally, I hate them because I don't like the music and you cannot be a female in a club without some man insisting that he grind on your ass.

 

Of course, there are other types of people who suck other than friends (be it your mentors, teachers, co-workers, boyfriends/girlfriends, husbands, wives, exes, etc.) but each type of sucky person could use their own post.  Get rid of people who make you feel bad and prey on your vulnerabilities.  It's scary because it does involve talking to people, or it should at least.  And it involves some periods of loneliness.  I will not pretend to be brave or to be someone who grabs someone by the face and says "hey, I don't like the way you treat me so I'm done with this."  I'm conflicted about how to deal with it because people do deserve an explanation when you vanish, and maybe a chance to redeem themselves.  Then I think, "These people are my friends, and they know me well enough to know that what they're doing bothers me, or the place they are trying to take me isn't comfortable for me.  They should know damn well why I go away."  I've told a friend whom I've felt talks down to me, or talks to me like I'm an idiot...and nothing's changed.  I'm at a point where I've had enough.  I am twenty-four years old, and I am finally getting to a point where I'm starting to feel good about myself, smart, and capable.  Hell, sometimes I even feel pretty!  I'm not trying to go back to people who deny me feeling that way, and no one should.

 

Apart from literature, one thing I learned about in college was friendship.  I made friends who care about me, and I them. They know my limits, and respect them (as I do theirs). There's no pressure to do something potentially uncomfortable, and there's no guilting for it.  There is encouragement.  I plan to keep these people forever because they have become some of the best friends I could ever ask for, and they've contributed to making me less misanthropic (and helping me to get out of my introverted little shell).  I've experienced friends who feel genuinely happy for me when something good happens, as I do for them.  No envy or diminishing of achievements.  I guess you could say these friendships are healthy. 

 

Keep people who are good to you, and get rid of people who hurt you. It's better to be alone than made to feel bad for things you shouldn't feel terrible about.

More thoughts on Weight

I don't know why this blog has had so many entries thus far dedicated to exercise/weight/health, but that's just what's on my mind, as well I'm seeing a lot of posts about it on the internet lately.

I think it's pretty safe to say that our culture is quite obsessed with body image.  We tell people that being "thin" is beautiful, yet if someone is too thin they we assume they have a disorder.  Even if someone is a healthy thin they are scrutinized (oftentimes out of envy, frankly).  On the flipside, women who aren't thinny thin are pegged "real women," "plus sized," "fat," "unhealthy," "obese," etc.  Point being that regardless of what type of body a woman has she cannot win!  Want to know how many conversations I've had, texts I've gotten, that were about a woman's body? A lot.  You know, "oh my god, she got HUGE," or "oh my god she got so skinny she looks like a skeleton." 

I absolutely think we need to learn to be respectful to all types of bodies.  HOWEVER, what we really need to do is embrace health.  While we shouldn't shame people for being over/underweight, we need to encourage healthiness.  Now, I don't think we should all run around telling people who are obese to work out.  It's really not my business what people do with their bodies and how they eat (or don't).  I do think our media could change with this one, and start promoting healthiness, regardless of size, to the public.  Take an actress like Jennifer Lawrence.  She is, in my opinion, a THIN girl. I remember being very disturbed when George on The Fashion Police described her as "bigger" than other actresses during an episode.  Seriously, you've got to be kidding me.  To me, Jennifer Lawrence looks like a healthy woman.  She's not emaciated by any means, but she's skinny by my own standards.

People should be encouraged to want to love their bodies and take good care of them, and you can weigh quite a few weights in order to do that.  The better care you take, the better you feel, and it's also just freaking good for your health.  Who wouldn't want to live longer? I think it would kind of suck to die prematurely because I didn't take care of myself. I also just feel better if I try to eat healthy and care for myself.  If I spend all day being inactive and eating potato chips, I don't feel as well.  However, if I exercise a little, and eat decently, I am much more comfortable.

This is complicated to write about because I don't think it's fair to shame or disgrace anyone for their body.  I think we do need to encourage healthy living though, regardless of what weight that puts you at.  It is much easier said than done, I know this from firsthand experience.  When you hate how you look you aren't going to feel motivated to eat better or take a little walk.

Buy Books Second Hand

I swear to you, buying books in a thrift shop is the greatest thing I've begun to do. Not only is the selection surprisingly well-rounded, but also really cheap. I'm that person who is always buying books in large quantities (hey, I majored in the English) and I don't get to them immediately. As I've likely mentioned, I haven't been a book lover my entire life, and I do feel like I'm doing some catch up. During my Fall break my last semester, my mother and I took a trip to a thrift store, and she bought me three books for five bucks! Seriously. Today, I found seven books and spent less than $25.00. I remember spending roughly that when Anne Rice's The Wolf Gift was released in hardback. Even going to a retailer that sells books new, you can buy three paperbacks for more than that!

I have yet to have quality issues (only concern I had was if they'd have all of the pages or any flaws).  However, I reckon they inspect books before selling them. Everyone from Shakespeare to Austen to John Green to Nicholas Sparks is covered in second hand bookstores. Of course, like any thrift shop, it's a hit or miss, but this day was certainly a hit!  My titles include:

Emma by Jane Austen
Northanger Abbey by Jane Austen
The Pickwick Papers by Charles Dickens
Jude the Obscure by Thomas Hardy
Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes (this one was $8.95, and the most expensive)
Moby Dick by Herman Melville (I've oddly never read it, and it was ONE DOLLAR/great condition)
Pamela by Samuel Richardson

The bonus about buying classics is there's usually a variety of editions (and you can pick the one you want be it for the cheapest price or whatever). Also, they're in pretty good shape because I reckon most of these were probably books someone had to read for school, and they are ready to get rid of as soon as the class is over! So, if you're a bibliophile, and pinching pennies, I strongly suggest checking out places that sell used copies because you'll save a fortune. Sometimes you do need the new copy, or a specific edition because teachers/professors require them, and sadly some titles are obscure and hard to find. Lesson of the day, second hand books are the bees knees. And you really cannot lose. I found Jack Kerouac's On the Road (a book I've heard you love or hate)in a thrift store and it was like $1.50. If I hate it, I don't lose $14.00, but if I love it, then ooooh vintage.

A Song You Should Know.

As mentioned, I'm a junkie for music and I think I have a pretty eclectic range of musical interests.  Antony and the Johnson's "Blue Angel" is fairly new to me, but Antony is not.  I've known who he is for years, but I never dived into his music. I am a firm believer, when it comes to art like music or literature you have to be ready for it.  If you go into before you're ready, you won't appreciate it the way you should. I've know the names Nick Cave, Tom Waits, and David Bowie for ages, for example, but I didn't start listening to them until my mid-to-late teenage years. Take your time with Art.

Weighty Dialogue.

Whenever I tell people that I used to be 30-40lbs heavier, they tend not to believe me.  And people who knew me wonder how I did it. I've ALWAYS struggled with weight and acceptance of my appearance.  I remember being ten, looking at my stomach in the mirror, and making it go in and out.  I wasn't an overweight child, but of course, I thought I was fat.  I started working out when I was thirteen, and I was very healthy about it.  I started with a few minutes on an elliptical a day, and gradually building up.  Eventually, I took it out of control around age fifteen-sixteen.  I'd work out too much, not eat enough or over eat. As I mentioned, at one point I lost my period because I wasn't very healthy about the way I tried to lose.  Depression set in, as well as anxiety, and I began to gain a lot of weight.  When I began 10th grade, I was in the 120s, when I ended it I was around the 160s.  By the time I was eighteen, I got into the 170s (sidenote: I'm not offering these numbers as a way to shame any weight, but rather so you can see the drastic change in size I went through).

Here's a picture of me in 2007, followed by 2008:

(I tried to crop people of images because I don't want to post other people's faces without consent. I know, I'm making a distorted face in the second, it was the picture I could find)

 

And here's me in Fall 2013:

 

In this picture, I am roughly 135lbs.  I lost weight my final semester at school from walking everywhere, eating healthy(ish), and stress unfortunately. Spring 2013 was a little rough patch, and I got into the habit of sometimes not eating.

 

 

One question I get often is how I did it. Truthfully, I barely tried.  Even when I was bigger, I exercised, and I lost at least ten pounds during the summer after I graduated high school, and began community college. Working in retail means you'll be standing up all day, and I've done shifts anything from 3-8 hours of standing and walking around the store all day.  I give a lot of credit to the jobs I kept, and adopting this nugget in February 2009:

 

(This is my Toby as a wee lad)

 

I would walk him a lot.  Anything from 1-3x a day. He has tons of energy to this day, and those walks did him a lot of favors.  So if you have a dog, or your neighbor, mother, cousin, whomever, walk them! It's a nice break from the tedium of exercise machines, and I hate the process of exercising a lot less.  I like to run on the treadmill, but there are days when I really freaking hate it because it's boring, I can't get into my music, or nothings on TV, etc. However, I always feel better after doing it.  I'm not saying everyone should run out and get a retail job to help lose weight, or adopt a dog, but that's what helped me at lot at first.  I now try to run at least three times a week, and I go by the calorie. 

 

As far as food goes, I don't believe in "diets." I think they are rubbish, and they set you up to fail because OH MY GOD IF YOU EAT BREAD! Diet over.  I think Dr. Phil is obnoxious, but he talks about losing weight and keeping it off as a lifestyle change, and I couldn't agree more.  If you like pizza and soda it's not realistic to say you'll never have either of those things again, but it is realistic to limit how often you do.  Diet Soda is bad for you anyway (it's worse than regular soda), and I love regular, all calories in Coca-Cola. Delicious.  I'm not a calorie counter, but I try to keep in mind the calorie count of the food and drink I have a lot of.  I'm also a big fan of tea (without the corn syrup) and the flavor packs you can add to water.  I drink the lower calorie Gatorade as well.  I'm a fiend for RedBull which I really should completely cut out of my diet, but I get it sugar free.

 

At university, I probably had salad almost every day, but if I wanted pizza I had my pizza!  If I wanted nachos, I had them. I tried not to keep a lot of junk food in my apartment because I'd eat it all in one weekend if I did. I'm also a big fan of eating the healthy cereal.  That's right guys, get rid of the kind that comes with a toy or marsh mellows. When my mom makes dinner she always has salad or some vegetable, and I'll take one or both (usually).  I eat fast food, but I don't do it a lot because not only does the price for all of those little meals add up, but it is terrible for you (even the salads are bad).  When I do get it, or go to the movies and get snacks, I don't feel guilty because I don't eat that way all the time.  That's really the trick, guys. For me at least.

 

I don't read diet books, but now and then I will scan health websites for ideas and tips.  Do that, and find things that work for you.  Find foods you might like, exercises, etc.  Don't get obsessed because you'll become crazy and intolerable to everyone because no one gives a shit about your bunny food diet. 

 

I would also suggest taking your time, and trying not to set obnoxious goals like, "I won't drink Mountain Dew for a year," or "I'm going to lose ten pounds a month."  Relax.  I think I lost the weight I did because I didn't set out to lose it.  Plus, it's proven that if you lose it gradually, you will be more likely to keep it off.  Also think of it as just trying to be healthy.  Exercise is a necessary evil because our bodies need it to be healthy, and if you really need to eat at 2AM, think about it...would an apple or potato chips be better?  I personally have this problem because I love eating horrible things late at night, and it sits on the pooch of my stomach in a really awesome way when I wake up the next day.

 

So there it is.  I'm not a healthcare professional, but this is what works for me. I'm not a skinny Minnie with boney hips and flat stomach, but I really cannot complain too much considering how much I've lost in the last few years.



 

True Life: I'm Afraid of a Book

I'm not talking about horror or gothic books here.  Have you ever bought a book and been intimidated by it? Be it because of size, content, author, etc.?  Yet, you want to read it because it seems interesting and maybe you'll feel smarter for knocking it out...Ladies and Gentleman, I give you Tristram Shandy by Laurence Sterne.

 

 I found this edition at the thrift shop for a dollar. I had heard of it before through the motions of British Literature study in university, so I figured I'd buy it and give it a whirl.  Don't ask me to explain what it's about. I don't know. Well, I can't explain it.  It seems intriguing, but complicated and intimidating. I know if I read it I will feel smart and proud, but it still freaks me out.

Read This

I majored in English, therefore I have read some books. I didn't used to love reading, but as I've gotten older, like oh my god, books are pretty nifty.  I don't consider myself well read, there are people who read circles around me who didn't major in English. However, I think the term is subjective. What does it really mean to be well read? Does it mean reading all the classics? It's good to know your classics, certainly. Do you love Victorian Literature so you read a lot of Victorians? Or if you enjoy vampires, do you read a lot about their folklore, and books about them?  It's a complicated phrase. Personally, I don't like the idea of being well read because books are always being written and there's always something you haven't read no matter where your interests lie.

Anywho, here's a book. Those who know me know I love Oscar Wilde, and I did a study on him my last semester in undergrad.  I think you simply MUST read The Picture of Dorian Gray.  It's complicated, dark, and it makes you ask questions about everything.  The fun and frustration with Wilde is that he often speaks in paradox, his paradoxes are paradox, and he'll say something and leave it to you to decide if he's serious (and what you think about it says more about you/society than him). He's brilliant. 

I think my strong understanding of the novel came from reading Wilde's theory. I know, you're thinking, "literary theory is so tedious." It isn't always. His are actually entertaining and his ideas are tangible. If you want to read something that will help you understand and think more, try The Critic As Artist at least. Also, The Decay of Lying will give you some nifty insights about Wilde's ideas about Art which will come in handy while trying to understand Dorian Gray.

My best advice about reading Wilde is to take your time and think about it. He's a tough nut to crack.  If it's easy to read his work, or write about it, you're doing it wrong.

Dashing, isn't he?