Smarty Pants.

This may come as a surprise, but maybe not, that I've never really considered myself smart. I was always decently smart in grade school, probably above average, but I wasn't the genius or the idiot. In the typical youngest child point of view, I thought my sister was the smart and pretty one. Everyone said she was so smart and pretty; I always felt like I was just kind of there. This is attributed to my own self-esteem issues rather than other people, and I don't blame other people (It's not my sister's fault she's smart and a pretty person). I was so demotivated my last half of high school, as well as during a decent chunk of community college.

So here I am now, at 24, and suddenly I'm told I'm smart and considered a smart person. I was talking to my professor yesterday, and I told her I've thought about getting a PhD, and I'd love to go for it, but there's a part of me that isn't sure and I don't know if that's common sense or low self-esteem. There's no doubt you've got to have the smarts to get one, as well as the tenacity. Plus, it's a risky move because the job market's a bitch (in fairness, I don't know of a marker that wouldn't be. There are more PhD's because more people go to college these days than ever. The Business degree will likely become as criticized as humanities someday because as it is considered the "good" major to get because it's economical there are now more people getting it, thus increasing competition). My professor told if I want to go for it then do it, and not to let anyone discourage me from the direction I want to go for. Also, that I am smart, and it shows now that I've begun to care about my work and push my intelligence.

It's still strange to own it. I don't walk around thinking that I'm so smart. Transitioning from not feeling intelligent to having people tell me often, be it friends or family, or my professors (some of the most intelligent people I've encountered) say I'm intelligent is a stranger compliment for me than being told I'm pretty. I don't do the whole arguing the compliment nonsense, and I attempt to be gracious and take it, but it still surprises me to hear "You're really smart," "You're a good writer," etc etc. It brightens my day hearing that, even if I'm still working on owning it.

Future Thoughts

When I first enrolled into my university, I chose my major to be in English/Secondary Education. I thought I would teach high schoolers because they aren't babies and I could talk to them a bit more directly. Also, young kids make me nervous. I like them and get along with them well, but if you say something wrong to a little one you will be up shit's creek quick! I liked the idea of particular limitations in public schooling, like censoring content and that certain subjects were taboo. No sex, religion, politics, etc. I could live with that. Then I got to observe a classroom through a community college course. Eh. Apart from how unruly the kids were, if not impossible, it made me really sad to hear some of the teachers talk about the students being stupid. I mean, I'm closer to their age, and I while I wasn't in high school, I was still a student at the time.

I saw teachers have to monitor dress codes, handle kids with devastating personal problems, insult students behind their backs, talk about other faculty, put on a movie instead of reading the entire text. It was overwhelming. I thought, maybe once I actually do it I will feel less disenchanted. Maybe once I take more classes I will feel better. Not so much. I think it's an old cliché, but I truly believe you have to be the right type of person to teach Elementary/Secondary education. You have to want it completely, have patience, be thick skinned, and smart.

I dropped Secondary Education from my degree because I didn't think I would be happy doing it, and frankly, I see myself being happier and more fulfilled at the junior college or university level. I've never shadowed a professor, but I've talked enough to my professors to get an idea of what they do all day (in fairness, shadowing or talking about it is probably the more gentle way to see how they do their jobs). I feel that my humor, temperament, passions, and mentality are better suited for the collegiate level. Also, as I've become more passionate about literature, the more I dislike the idea of having to censor political, sexual, religious, themes. I mean, there's a reason why I hated Shakespeare in high school and love him as a college graduate. There are themes deemed too suggestive for the teenage audience. And how can you teach Shakespeare without talking about the dirty innuendos?

Personally, I do not think everyone is cut out to be a teacher, be it a grade school or college teacher. I have had professors who I do not think could handle a high school classroom be it because they are too polite, or too intense. The same goes for my teachers in grade school. I don't know that a few of them could handle teaching at a collegiate level. They both require different demands. I think it's important to be really smart though, regardless of what type of teaching you do. I'm sure everyone who has been through school can remember a teacher or professor that was a disaster and seemingly had no business teaching. Be it because they couldn't handle their classroom, or teach well. There are also the people who teach that seemingly don't care at all about their content, students, or anything at all. We've all been there.

Teaching high school didn't make me feel excited, but rather, I would dread the thought of it. Regardless of what you're trying to do, you should feel excited about it! Anxiety is to be anticipated, but dread shouldn't be a thing. I just don't imagine myself being happy or able to handle a classroom of crazy sixteen year olds.

The thought of being a teacher at a university or community college is exciting and terrifying to me. I understand that I'm not a genius, and getting the job is a bitch on wheels, but I need to try for myself. I could see myself being happy being immersed in literature, giving lectures, or even conducting my own research. I understand there is a risk for bad pay, but seriously, I don't think anyone who wants to teach should expect high pay. However, if things don't work, I'll try something new and start again. I have to try.

I imagine there are downsides to college, just as there are for grade school. You've got to deal with students who don't feel the need to show up, care, and only put in enough effort to pass the class with a mediocre grade so they can graduate. You've also got the uppity students who think they're above and beyond everyone. Yes, getting an A is good, being an honors student, or doing your own research in your leisure is not a bad way to go, but you aren't above anyone. That person you call professor or doctor is in charge. Are they perfect? No. But it's their class. Pretentious students, I reckon, annoy their professors as much as classmates. Not to mention department politics. I'm not naïve enough to think their lives are a bed of roses, and that all of my professors probably like one another. Like any job, there will be bullshit, people who suck, annoying rules and standards, etc. Not to mention the whole professorial tenure process/hierarchy of different level of professor...eek.

Teachers have to deal with faculty and tenure too. Not to mention making the content appropriate for the audience, monitoring the language students use, and their clothing choices. If they blow off class or arrive late then it's a call or an e-mail to mother. If you offend someone, mama may find out and get on your case. Because they are minors, the rules are different and special care must be taken. Honestly, I just don't think I'm right for it. I know people who will be, and I'm surely smart enough to teach high school, but I don't know if I have the personality or temperamental capacity. I'm going with my gut on this one; I'll never know if I don't push and give it a try.

I'd rather look back on my choices and go "yeah, I went for that" than "why didn't I try that? I wish I had done that."