Smarty Pants.

This may come as a surprise, but maybe not, that I've never really considered myself smart. I was always decently smart in grade school, probably above average, but I wasn't the genius or the idiot. In the typical youngest child point of view, I thought my sister was the smart and pretty one. Everyone said she was so smart and pretty; I always felt like I was just kind of there. This is attributed to my own self-esteem issues rather than other people, and I don't blame other people (It's not my sister's fault she's smart and a pretty person). I was so demotivated my last half of high school, as well as during a decent chunk of community college.

So here I am now, at 24, and suddenly I'm told I'm smart and considered a smart person. I was talking to my professor yesterday, and I told her I've thought about getting a PhD, and I'd love to go for it, but there's a part of me that isn't sure and I don't know if that's common sense or low self-esteem. There's no doubt you've got to have the smarts to get one, as well as the tenacity. Plus, it's a risky move because the job market's a bitch (in fairness, I don't know of a marker that wouldn't be. There are more PhD's because more people go to college these days than ever. The Business degree will likely become as criticized as humanities someday because as it is considered the "good" major to get because it's economical there are now more people getting it, thus increasing competition). My professor told if I want to go for it then do it, and not to let anyone discourage me from the direction I want to go for. Also, that I am smart, and it shows now that I've begun to care about my work and push my intelligence.

It's still strange to own it. I don't walk around thinking that I'm so smart. Transitioning from not feeling intelligent to having people tell me often, be it friends or family, or my professors (some of the most intelligent people I've encountered) say I'm intelligent is a stranger compliment for me than being told I'm pretty. I don't do the whole arguing the compliment nonsense, and I attempt to be gracious and take it, but it still surprises me to hear "You're really smart," "You're a good writer," etc etc. It brightens my day hearing that, even if I'm still working on owning it.

I Compare Myself to Other People Too Much.

This is a problem and I need to learn how to stop. There will always be people who are smarter than me and dumber than me. There will always be people who are thinner, fatter, whatever. I need to accept that.

My undergraduate education is done. I wish I could go back and do certain aspects of it over without a doubt. I would've taken my community college courses much more seriously and actually tried hard. Unfortunately, I was demotivated because I had no understanding of how this would all pay off for me or where it would take me, and a lot of my classes where there should have been an A there was a B, and a C rather than a B...and unfortunately farther down the line. I had to repeat a total of four classes (Chemistry, both levels of Math, and a Psychology course with a woman who has zero business teaching). Now, classes like Mathematic or Sciences are not my strongest suit. However, I had a few classes that I really could have gotten an A rather than a B if I had studied and put effort into it.

When I got to Longwood I turned it around. I never had to repeat a course, and the majority of my grades were A's and A-'s. Sometimes I wonder if I would've done better going there for the entire four years, but I don't really know for sure. I'm graduating with honors (measly POINTS from Magna Cum Laude) and I had three A's and two A-'s for my final semester. My first semester went well considering if was my first stint at university, more B's than A's but not bad, my second I only had one B, and unfortunately my third was a rough patch because of personal problems I was having, giving me grades ranging from A to C+. Do I wish I could redo that semester and push harder, or maybe drop classes? Yes. But I cannot do that now.

While my grades at CC weren't great, they weren't completely awful either. When I apply for graduate school (and maybe more) I can stress that I wasn't a motivated or confident student at the time. I struggled to find a direction that made sense, but once I began my literature courses at Longwood my mentality turned around, and I think based on my drastic change in performance that I've found a better sense of motivation, dedication and direction. If I can swing it, I may find a way to take French classes, and if I excel in a language and prove I'm capable then I could make my case better. Plus, if I do well with the GRE then I could really show I'm able. When I was at Longwood I was inducted into Sigma Alpha Pi, and honors society that recognizes leadership potential in students, and faculty members selects the students. I have massive moves of redemption in my favor. I just have keep them in mind, and take the ones for me to reach.

If I rock my MA, I could really give myself an edge.

I actually almost feel better after typing this out. I just have to keep it together. I can't be perfect, and I can redo the stupid things I did as a kid. I've just got to stop being a bastard to myself, and to just push for all that it's worth. I won't wind up in the Ivy League, but I'll get somewhere.