I'm not going to play the victim here because more often than not, I know when something is wrong with a situation. Trust your intuition folks, it's usually onto something, and if there's a rotten stench in Denmark, yield to it, and think about what you should do. For me, I guess, I am someone who spends a lot of time alone (especially now that I'm home from university). It gets really lonely, sometimes sad. It will be Friday or Saturday night, and I'll be sitting at home watching TV, reading, or writing this blog. Then you get that call, text, Facebook message: "What are you doing? I miss you!" That person you know you've got to turn away from if you want to be happy and uncompromising about who you are. However, you're home alone! You're not doing anything important, and the alternative to doing whatever stupid thing this person wants is to sit at home watching re-runs of Say Yes to the Dress.
(Not that Randy isn't charming, but I don't always enjoy watching women pick out dresses for their weddings when I'm sitting at home, alone, in old yoga pants eating cheesecake)
So you go. You catch up on life a little, but then something happens to remind you why you should've stayed away. Maybe they say something mean to you, or they pressure you to go along with something they want to do. Maybe they drag you into a potentially risky situation that you didn't want to risk. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. Sometimes staying home is better than being around people who don't care about you and just want someone to go along with them and share the stupidity. I try to accept this. I get the messages and texts, and sometimes it's tempting to instigate those friendships again because I'm bored or lonely. However, I've learned that these pseudo-friendships aren't worth it. Stay home and read a book by one of the brilliant Bronte's instead, or swoon over Marlon Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire. Loneliness can suck, but would you rather be alone or dragged into an uncomfortable/dangerous situation?
(You'll need to watch it twice anyhow! Once to drool, and another to understand his character's a creep)
I've already expressed my annoyance with guys who try to date you over Facebook, but I really don't like friends who do this either. It's one thing if you live in California, and they live in Nebraska, but it's another if you live a few minutes down the road, or on the same college campus. Hi, I have a face, and it likes talking with humans sometimes. Also, this is fact: whenever I've gotten into a misunderstanding with a friend, technology has been involved. Be it via text or messages over Facebook. I think this is beyond ridiculous, and it's contributing to the passive-aggressive nature of society as a whole...it's just so damn easy to make someone feel bad, or misunderstand something, when there is a screen keeping you safe and hidden. I don't like friends who cannot talk to my face. There it is. If a friend makes no effort to want to see you, then don't try to see them. There a people I've given up trying to be friends with because no matter what, they make an excuse, and never attempt to see me.
Also, the activities need to be mutual. This is something I think about with friends of mine often. I have gone to stupid bars and clubs because it was what someone else wanted, but would they go somewhere for me? Would they go to the concert I want to go to? There are boundaries, of course. Personally, as a person who isn't a fan of rap music, I would never go to a concert with that type of music...but I have gone to clubs. Personally, I hate them because I don't like the music and you cannot be a female in a club without some man insisting that he grind on your ass.
Of course, there are other types of people who suck other than friends (be it your mentors, teachers, co-workers, boyfriends/girlfriends, husbands, wives, exes, etc.) but each type of sucky person could use their own post. Get rid of people who make you feel bad and prey on your vulnerabilities. It's scary because it does involve talking to people, or it should at least. And it involves some periods of loneliness. I will not pretend to be brave or to be someone who grabs someone by the face and says "hey, I don't like the way you treat me so I'm done with this." I'm conflicted about how to deal with it because people do deserve an explanation when you vanish, and maybe a chance to redeem themselves. Then I think, "These people are my friends, and they know me well enough to know that what they're doing bothers me, or the place they are trying to take me isn't comfortable for me. They should know damn well why I go away." I've told a friend whom I've felt talks down to me, or talks to me like I'm an idiot...and nothing's changed. I'm at a point where I've had enough. I am twenty-four years old, and I am finally getting to a point where I'm starting to feel good about myself, smart, and capable. Hell, sometimes I even feel pretty! I'm not trying to go back to people who deny me feeling that way, and no one should.
Apart from literature, one thing I learned about in college was friendship. I made friends who care about me, and I them. They know my limits, and respect them (as I do theirs). There's no pressure to do something potentially uncomfortable, and there's no guilting for it. There is encouragement. I plan to keep these people forever because they have become some of the best friends I could ever ask for, and they've contributed to making me less misanthropic (and helping me to get out of my introverted little shell). I've experienced friends who feel genuinely happy for me when something good happens, as I do for them. No envy or diminishing of achievements. I guess you could say these friendships are healthy.
Keep people who are good to you, and get rid of people who hurt you. It's better to be alone than made to feel bad for things you shouldn't feel terrible about.
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