Smarty Pants.

This may come as a surprise, but maybe not, that I've never really considered myself smart. I was always decently smart in grade school, probably above average, but I wasn't the genius or the idiot. In the typical youngest child point of view, I thought my sister was the smart and pretty one. Everyone said she was so smart and pretty; I always felt like I was just kind of there. This is attributed to my own self-esteem issues rather than other people, and I don't blame other people (It's not my sister's fault she's smart and a pretty person). I was so demotivated my last half of high school, as well as during a decent chunk of community college.

So here I am now, at 24, and suddenly I'm told I'm smart and considered a smart person. I was talking to my professor yesterday, and I told her I've thought about getting a PhD, and I'd love to go for it, but there's a part of me that isn't sure and I don't know if that's common sense or low self-esteem. There's no doubt you've got to have the smarts to get one, as well as the tenacity. Plus, it's a risky move because the job market's a bitch (in fairness, I don't know of a marker that wouldn't be. There are more PhD's because more people go to college these days than ever. The Business degree will likely become as criticized as humanities someday because as it is considered the "good" major to get because it's economical there are now more people getting it, thus increasing competition). My professor told if I want to go for it then do it, and not to let anyone discourage me from the direction I want to go for. Also, that I am smart, and it shows now that I've begun to care about my work and push my intelligence.

It's still strange to own it. I don't walk around thinking that I'm so smart. Transitioning from not feeling intelligent to having people tell me often, be it friends or family, or my professors (some of the most intelligent people I've encountered) say I'm intelligent is a stranger compliment for me than being told I'm pretty. I don't do the whole arguing the compliment nonsense, and I attempt to be gracious and take it, but it still surprises me to hear "You're really smart," "You're a good writer," etc etc. It brightens my day hearing that, even if I'm still working on owning it.