The Fault in Our Stars

SPOLIERS YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

The Fault in Our Stars is the first novel by John Green that I read, and I loved it. I thought the characters were funny, and I enjoyed the way they deconstructed the way everyone tried to fluff cancer for them. The main character has an oxygen tank she totes around and tubes in her nose to help her breathe, and she's constantly aware of the fact that she will die. Of course the love story was a touch saccharine at times, but sometimes you've got to just allow yourself to be absorbed by the world the author presents and let it happen without your cynical judgment. Plus, considering the hell these teenagers endure--they can have a little saccharine in their lives, and on their own terms. Was I surprised Augustus dies? Not really. It couldn't be Hazel because she's the narrator, unless Green had her die mid-sentence a la Hazel's favorite book (which would've been a bit morbid, I think).

So, the film came out recently, and I loved it. I cried when Augustus started to get sick again, when he dies. GAH. I didn't cry when I read the book, but it certainly stays with you. The way I react to films is always different than a book. With books, they are in your head, in this safe little world within your imagination in which you decide how they look, what they wear, and how their neighborhood looks. Then you see them on screen, and for me, they then became real, concrete people. And not to mention THEY WERE SO ADORABLE!

It's only natural for any author or novel with copious success to receive negative reviews and people questioning their work. After reading this one, I went onto Looking For Alaska and Paper Towns and I honestly didn't love them. There were moments of cheesiness, some parts were quite funny. However, I did feel that there was some similarity in the plots. I will say I do appreciate the fact that both of these books, particularly Paper Towns, really address the idea we have of person vs. who they really are. Usually people are not who we think they are, and we can idealize them as much as we want, but there's often much more complexity that we aren't getting. Having said that, I don't know that I'll go on to read anymore of his books.

Naturally, with The Fault in Our Stars becoming such a sensation (did anyone else catch it show up on Orange is the New Black?) people are going to respond to it. I don't sit around looking for these types of things because honestly I don't care much if other people love or hate the books I care about. However, this one popped up on my youtube account, and since I've seen her other posts before, I thought I'd give it a go.

First of all, I appreciate anybody putting their opinions out there in an articulate manner especially when their subject is going to acquire a lot of backlash (the comments on her video are heinously negative at times). Welcome to my life not giving a rat's ass about Harry Potter books--you wouldn't believe how many times I've heard "oh my god WHY?" or "what's wrong with you?" Nothing. I just don't care. My bedroom is taken over by several stacks of books I'm much more interested in reading than the boy wizard saga. However, I do have some issues with a few of her statements:

1. Of course the way the characters speak is debatably "teenager." All teenagers speak quite differently, and having adults writing from the teenage mentality is always a tricky thing.  There's nothing "Shakespearean" about their speech. One point she makes is that the teenagers don't sound teenager-ish and that teens don't speak that way. If it's because of the words they use being a tad fancy for the average teen--that's not Shakespearean. Shakespeare was considered low-brow entertainment, and a nice chunk of his audience wasn't people sitting on cushions. Had he been too pretentious for the common man's intelligence then he wouldn't have been successful. Plus a decent portion of his language is compromised of slang.

2. This novel does not in any way, shape, or form "romanticize" cancer. I think the claim that it does is ludicrous. Yes, there's a love story but it is hardly a romanticizing of cancer. People with cancer do fall in love--they're allowed. Had cancer been romanticized in Green's novel then the cancer wouldn't have been such a prominent subject of the novel, and we wouldn't get the gruesome details about cancer.

Hazel can't breathe by herself, and she's too sick to even attend school. She regularly has health scares, and she's quite aware of the fact that she's going to die a young person. Something as simple as walking stairs, or taking a trip to Amsterdam, is a huge deal for her.

Augustus has lost a limb to cancer. His cancer comes back and it kills him. The moment when Hazel goes to get him is hardly a romanticization. Not to mention Issac's entire storyline.

Maybe if these were characters who had cancer and it never came back, and then they walked off into the sunset happily ever after, then yes, that is romanticizing illness. If there was mention of Hazel being unable to breathe with assistance, yet she had no oxygen tank pumping air into her nose, then sure, maybe. However, the way that these characters are so aware of death is hardly romantic. And they aren't romanticizing their deaths either. Yes the line Hazel proclaims about being a "grenade" is dramatic, it's her awareness that she could die at any moment, and the people who will be in pain when she passes.

3. The metaphor of Augustus' cigarette as a bad influence for youngsters, come on. It's not John Green's responsibility to write a moral character. Even if he tried, everyone has completely different ideals about what makes someone good or not, and there would still be controversy. Plus, Augustus is of legal age to buy cigarettes. Author's are not meant to be the moral code for their readers. Their job is to write the characters that are in their minds--to make us think, to entertain, etc. It's not an author's responsibility to write positive influences for their fans.

Also--I seriously doubt that there were many teenagers vying for the chance to buy cigarettes and not smoke them in the name of Augustus Waters. Seriously, a carton of cigarettes is expensive!

4. The kiss in the Anne Frank house is an awkward moment, but I think it made sense after Hazel climbs the stairs to the top. I think that scene in both the book and film made my stomach crawl with nerves.

5. Van Houten doesn't force anyone to do anything. The terms for her knowing more require her to go to him. And why is it so surprising that Hazel would go to Amsterdam? Yes, she's ill and it's risky, but as a person who is so aware of her limited time of Earth, is it that shocking that she'd try to go? Especially because it's her favorite author. And to me it makes sense that he wouldn't correspond via e-mail with her about his story because she could easily sell it or leak it online. That stuff happens to authors quite a bit in the digital age.

Was it crazy--yes. But it's a fictional piece meant to entertain--as well as to make you think. And of course her mother would endorse this happening--she wants her daughter to be happy, and not miss the opportunities she wishes for just because of her cancer. I think it's a pretty great mom to organize the trip for her so thoroughly.

Plus, I bet that mama instinct could sense something with Augustus beginning to grow. What teenager would want their mother around for that? Plus, the trip was organized through Make A Wish for them, not mama.

Okay, five points is enough. I think some of the negativity is a little over thought, and I personally did experience the same disillusionment with Green's other books. I give her kudos for putting her opinion out there, but I don't know--the point of posting an entire video about why you dislike something? It's brave, it's a kick me sign, and I don't know if I'd personally do it because I don't know that I'd want to dedicate a video to things I don't like.

Then you have your Goodreads pedants, who have discussions dedicated to disliking the book. Okay, look, I think wanting to have a discussion is completely valid, but seriously, there's a thread entitled, "People Who HATED This Book." I don't get it. If you can have a constructive reasoning for why you dislike something, then okay, but hatred? While this video I posted is one full of arguments I find flawed and that I don't agree with--she's constructive. She's not just saying "Ew, it's stupid," "I hate this book." I don't know if posting the Goodreads link helps her case, but to each their own.

I'm not saying this book is the most beautiful piece of literature--and anytime something has hype there will be criticism and people feeling the hype was unprecedented. However, I did like it. It is always believable, no, but that's the trick when non-teens write about teens, and also the manner in which all teenagers interact. I guarantee every group of friends speaks differently--that's always an argument about books written from any perspective--is it believable? I thought it did provide an insight to the hardly glamorous effects of cancer, and the way people feel within their community who are enduring it.

Very Inspirational Blogger Award!

I'm a pretty slacking blogger these days, but life has it's ways. I am considering a move to wordpress where my nominator, Cathy, the superb writer of In and Out, chose me was an inspiring blogger. For me, this is quite the compliment because her writing is excellent. So excellent that excellent doesn't cover it. You'd think as an English major I'd have more expansive words to articulate this fact, but alas.

The rules are to post the name of the blogger, and the inspiring blogger image (check, and check). The next is to post seven facts about yourself so here I go.

1. I am about to begin my Master's Degree in Literature. I never in a million years thought I would be getting an advanced degree, or wanting to get a PhD. I still feel silly saying it.

2. I adopted my dog, Toby, in 2009. I can't imagine life without him at this point. While both of my dogs prior to him were special--one being my first friend as a little wee one, the second because I grew up with him (13-almost 14-years of him), Toby is just really special because he's my boy. He identifies me as his mama. He is a bad dog, but he's my boy and I love him.

3. I'm an introvert by the book. I love being around people but I need time alone to recharge otherwise I get cranky and exhausted. Sometimes I don't even realize it when I'm not speaking.

4. I love reading. I didn't always love it, but I've found books and authors that really do a lot for me. Honestly, one reason I enjoy reading is because I love the accomplishment of finishing a book as well. Frankly, I feel so much more productive with my time if I spend it reading rather than on the computer or watching TV.

5. I love music, and it's something I've been passionate about since I was quite young.

6. I can't imagine a life without Oscar Wilde or Nick Cave.

7. I'm one of those women who loves their hair. I'm told this isn't a common thing, but I really do. I cannot imagine myself with straight, non-voluminous hair.

The next rule is to tag other bloggers--oopsie! Unfortunately I don't have any at the moment--but perhaps moving to a new address will change that. I shall keep you all posted!

Feminism and Such.

I haven't posted on here in a really long time--yet here I am posting in the wee hours about something incredibly serious and personal in my mind.

There was a time in my life when if someone were to ask me if I am a feminist I would've said "hell no." However, feminism isn't just burning bras, growing body hair, and hating men. Sure, there are feminists who do this I'm sure, but there's a much broader point, in my mind why it's important and why we need it.

For me, it's as simple as this: I believe in Feminism for the simple fact that I want to be able to walk through a parking lot at night and not feel any less safe than anybody else just because I am a woman. I want to be able to wear the clothing I want to wear without being people publicly objectifying me. Which brings me to this post.

I was told by a co-worker today that a newly hired keyholder made comments to her not only about my body, but my store manager's. Whether this associate was trying to spread gossip to me or stir the post to muster up drama I don't know (but how could anybody pass information like that on and not expect it to be taken seriously?). Coupled by the fact that this particular new keyholder has made me uncomfortable before, asking if I have a boyfriend, and my feeling like he's always staring at me--we came to have some concrete evidence that supported my feeling uncomfortable around this person.

When this person was first hired, I was amiable because that's how I am. I like to think I'll give people a chance within reason. However, there were times I'd just feel uncomfortable. I thought maybe I was just paranoid because we had a new person in the store that changed the dynamic and maybe I needed to be patient and give the guy a chance. Then this news came in and I feel valid for the discomfort arisen from this person's presence.

Naturally, my store manager was angry to hear this. Like it or not, but a comment about a co-worker's body can be construed as sexual harassment.

When I said something about it, I felt guilty at first for saying something. You know those people who say they hate drama yet they bring it everywhere? I like to think I'm not like that, but I am a person who actually hates drama--I have anxiety issues people. Anxiety ridden people don't like commotion. You can say I'm overreacting or freaking out about everything, fine. But you're part of the problem. I used to find phrases like "rape culture" annoying, but I get it because in rape culture, a person is made to feel guilty if they address discomfort because of something someone says or does, or dressing in a way to cover your body in order to avoid advances.

I don't care what job you have, be it retail or a bloody CEO, everyone has the right to feel comfortable and safe at their job, and not as if they are being objectified.

And I'm not an idiot. Seriously, everyone has a butt. We all look at each other's butts. It's just what people do. I am aware I have a big butt and it's really pretty damn obvious and not really up for discussion. It's fact. However, I think it is WILDLY inappropriate to discuss people's bodies at your job. Not only is it gossip, but it's harassment. I know the situation is going to be handled, and regardless, I will be in school soon and away from it all. I don't think this circumstance is ok and I don't understand anyone who wouldn't see the situation as problematic. If you want to come to work daily and feel uncomfortable or objectified then knock yourself out, but I don't. And I'm not about to let any guy try and do that to me.

I imagine, in fairness, that this guy didn't realize it would be taken negatively or repeated. Was it meant to be offensive or something that made me uncomfortable? No. I doubt it. However, it's not appropriate considering how much we have to talk not only to each other but to our customers. I can't say I've ever had a discussion about a co-worker's body. It's one thing to talk amongst friends about those things, but at work it's another story. I imagine for him he came in and saw how close everyone in the store is, and how well we all get along and talk. Maybe it's me, but whenever I'm the new kid I pay attention to personalities, dynamics, and what will be okay vs not. Had I come into my store after being gone and worked with the new employees and then started gossiping about their bodies or other things about them I don't think I would've been received well. At all. The end.

How To Survive Undergrad

With my Master's Degree looming, as well as my commencement ceremony for my Bachelor's next weekend, my future feels so bright. Not only that, but I'm also thinking about all of the experiences I've had, mistakes, triumphs, etc. Anywho, here are a few of my gems that I felt worth sharing with the masses (or just the people who actually read this):

1. Get over yourself.
If you come into college unwilling to be open and meet new, different people then you'll never make friends. In my experience, people generally don't care that much about if you're "preppy" or "metal." Yes, some still do. However, most people in college have the "we're in it together" mentality and will make friends with just about anybody in their classes, or their roommate who is into anime when they don't know/care about it.

2. While you should be open to other people, you should still have standards.
It's good to make friends, but it's important to recognize when those friends are toxic. If they make you compromise yourself or make you feel bad about being the way you are, ditch them. Don't invest in that person, or the one who guilts you into a frat party when you've got a midterm to study for. Be open, but pay attention so you can realize when someone isn't good for you.

3. Actually go to class.
Yes, you do have to go to class. Unlike high school where they will e-mail and call your mommy to let her know if you're absent or tardy, it's on you to show up. Go. To. Class. Your college professors will not babysit you or call your mother if you blow off class or show up late. However, you still should go. Save your skipping days for when you actually are sick.

4. While we're on the subject of going to class, show up on time.
My university is small enough that if you blow off class, or arrive tardy, the professor will know because the door is right at the front of the classroom. Not only that, but they take attendance and factor it into your grade! Miss enough class and you fail. Seriously, the easiest part of a class is showing up on time. Sure accidents happen, and you'll be late, but if it's not a common reoccurrence they won't get that pissed with you.

Maybe it's just me, but to me, showing up on time says that you care about the class, and it shows some integrity. It's also just a form of respect to your classmates and your professor.

5. You actually have to do the assigned reading.
In college, reading is real homework. I'm not going to act like there were times in high school when I didn't read and still aced the work because I did. However, it doesn't work that way in college at all. Professors like to give quizzes, call on people at random, etc. They know when you haven't read. They aren't idiots, and they've probably skipped reading before too and they know the signs.

PS You'll actually enjoy class if did the reading because you'll know what's going on.

6. Don't take the "easy" classes for granted.
This is an important one. Just because it's an easy class for you it doesn't mean you should slack. Do the work and get an A. It's annoying to have a class that's easy for you and wind up with a B or C because you took it for granted. Seriously, don't get too cocky because it will end you. You don't want to wind up re-taking a class because you slacked through it because you thought it was "too easy."

7.Beware showing up to class under the influence.
Your classmates will know if you show up recovering from a high or hungover, naturally. But you want to know who else knows? PROFESSOR. I've had this conversation with one of mine before, confirming he could see the hungover or stoned eyes peering back. If you don't care that they see you this way, then fine....but I guess I personally would, especially considering how I've had a few of my professors write recommendations for me. And it's not like they don't talk...

8. Actually get to know your professors.
This is crucial. If you go to a university where your professors are accessible, take full advantage. For me, a huge part of my undergraduate experience was meeting my professors and building connections with them as people. This comes well into play if you ever need a reference, or just someone to talk to when life gets stressful. Also, if you're struggling with something and you actively seek help from them, it says something. I like to think that my effort has put me at a higher grade than anticipated a few times before. I am very lucky that the university I will return to for my MA is filled with professors who earnestly care about their students. If I get a less than stellar grade, sometimes I'll get a "see me for further explanation" on the assignment. I've even had days where I was ill and had a professor ask me if I was alright.

If you engage them, they will engage you. Act like you care, and so will they. If you just go in and out of class, take so-so grades and go, then they won't know you (and they'll possibly forget you). If you're fine with a D, so are they. They won't hunt you down if you are performing poorly, but if they know you're trying but struggling there is some stock in that.

9. Just because you're away from mom doesn't mean you should eat all the junk food you want.
The freshman fifteen is a think. As is the sophomore fifteen, the junior fifteen, and the senior fifteen. All together that's sixty pounds. SIXTY. This seems dramatic, but it does happen. While it's not a bad thing to eat at the cheap Mexican restaurant now and then, you should include healthy options in their too. The dining hall has enough variety that you can make good choices.

Also, most universities have a gym, and access is in your tuition (so, basically it's free). I'm not saying you should become a bunny food eating gym rat, but college is a decent time to learn about making healthy choices. Plus, if I have a ten page paper to write, I feel a little better while I'm doing it if I ate healthy and exercised that day...there's a lot of ass-sitting time in college so it's good to move around a little bit.

10. Beware the alcohol.
No one (I'd hope) is naïve enough to think that drinking doesn't happen 24/7 on college campuses. Whether it's a dry campus or not, it's happening somewhere if you really want to find it. I honestly wouldn't encourage drinking underage--it's overrated. I see the point, and as someone who did it, I truly believe it was only exciting because I wasn't allowed. Having said that, you don't want to get busted drinking underage, or doing anything irresponsible with booze because that can haunt you.

11. When you do go places to drink, bring friends.
Don't go to the bar alone. Don't go to a party alone. Bring a buddy or three and watch each other's back. This isn't specifically for the ladies either (but unfortunately, within rape culture we are the ones targeted a bit more when we drink too much). Bad things can happen to anybody if they overdo it or go somewhere alone.

12. Don't black out.
Everyone who drinks will probably experience some bad situations where they drink too much, throw up, whatever. Learn your lesson and know your limits. The times I've thrown up involved bad mixtures of things. Last Halloween, I went to a party and I didn't eat much beforehand. I hand vodka, jungle juice, wine, shots, and I believe I smoked a cigarette. If you aren't used to smoking, you will puke. Guess who puked? Guess who was the hot mess crying drunk?

And beware too many Long Islands. I've learned if I'm going to be drinking, it's better for me to stick to one type of liquor for the evening...especially if shots end up happening.

13. How to cure a hangover.
Gatorade, non-diet sugary soda, and something carby. And some asprin. Sleep helps too, but if you can't sleep it off you've got your survival guide. You're welcome.

14. Actually study for tests.
Now that I've given you some alcohol advice, back to the books. College requires studying. Lots of it. Unlike high school you don't have as many opportunities for redemption if you screw something up. In one of my classes we only had participation and four tests. FOUR. In another we had our participation, daily quizzes, a test, an in-class essay, one paper, and the final exam. That's all we got.

15. If the professor offers extra credit, DO IT.
Extra credit in college is like a unicorn, so when the opportunity presents itself you'd better go for it! Even if you don't need it, better to be safe than sorry, and it might show the professor you care a bit. In my experience, when it's offered it usually involves attending an event on campus and writing something about it--which is easy, and often it's interesting.

16. Get involved.
If I could redo anything in my undergrad, maybe I would have joined in some organizations around campus as a way to meet more people and gain other opportunities.

17. Significant others aren't the most important thing ever.
Don't get pre-occupied with the dating stuff. If it happens, let it happen. It's college, not Noah's Ark. You don't need to pair off. It's not the most important thing on earth, even if it seems like it is.

Body-Con

Working retail, or any form of customer service, is difficult without a question. You have to be patient and respectful even when the people you are paid to be polite to are rude and disrespectful. The hours are long, you don't have weekends, you stand all day, you're not making much money, yet you bust your bum working really hard. I truly think the people who disrespect or complain about customer service employees have never worked in our position. Granted, there are times when we do suck at our job, and there are people out there who have zero business in a field that involves being nice to people. People like myself though are trying quite hard, and I would never intentionally offend someone.

Ok, that is a tangent beyond the point of this post.

I think one of the most challenging aspects of working in a clothing store is when customers are insecure about their bodies. I work in a women's fashion store, and you learn really quickly that when your mom told you that once you got past your insecure teenager phase, you'd begin to feel better about your body--well, she was lying. Lying might be the wrong word, and sure some people surely do grow out of it, but it's amazing, and sad, how many women still hold onto these insecurities. I have helped women my age, their thirties, forties, fifties, sixties, tall, petite, pregnant, athletic, etc. and the self-consciousness is ceaseless. It's tragic how society pressures every single woman to look and feel a certain way about their body.

The sometimes difficult part is when I have to build up a customer's confidence. I will do it willingly because I think people deserve to have clothing that makes them feel comfortable and like themselves, and I dislike when women feel as if they cannot buy clothes because of something they dislike about their body. There's a body dysmorphia epidemic going on so it seems.

 

Sometimes I feel like a fraud when I'm trying to uplift my customers when I'm as self conscious as I am about my body. I'm constantly pinching fat on my back and stomach (yet I can feel my ribs pretty easily). I'm self conscious about the paleness of my legs, as well as my stretch marks and cellulite. Sometimes I'm insecure about my teeth, my breasts, my arms, thighs, etc.  I pick myself apart.

 

Have I gotten better though? I think so. I actually like shopping for clothes because I know what makes me feel good about myself, and cuts that flatter me in a way that I like. My poochy stomach doesn't bother me everyday, and I do actually like having hips that contrast with my smaller waist. I feel better about myself, and it's a tremendous improvement from where I was as a teenager. I remember when I was at my worst, just obsessed with my body beyond belief. Pure anxiety. And I thought I wasn't worthy of anything because I hated how I looked (not good grades, friends, fun, happiness, boyfriends, etc.). I was a downright bastard to myself, and I still can be, but I do think I'm a little bit less intolerable.

 

It makes me a little sad meeting women who don't think they are allowed to wear pretty clothes, or who won't get a different size in order to get the right fit. If there's anything I've learned in all of the jobs I've worked that involve selling clothes it's that sizing really isn't significant. There isn't a standard involved. In my store alone, I wear anything from a size four to an eight, or an extra small or small. In other places, it's strictly a six, or nine, or medium. Whatever. It's irrelevant at this point, and you look thinner if your clothes actually fit.

 

 

And so we don't end on a sad note, here's a fashion tip from Amanda: it doesn't matter if you're a size two or a size twenty--if you wear undergarments that don't fit you correctly then you will have rolls and lumps when you put clothes over them. It's fact. Start with a smooth canvas, and undies that actually fit you then you're set! Easy enough, yes?

I'm Sick of All of the Anti-Makeup Stuff On the Internet

I haven't posted in a long, long time. For personal reasons I care not to divulge, I have been MIA. But something has been on my mind a bit lately that's irritating and I felt the need to type about it.

I think it's great to encourage girls and women not to feel obligated to look a certain way. You don't have to wear makeup or fashionable clothing or have a skinny body in order to be a physically attractive person. Popular culture makes people think these ideals are what's right, and they're unfair, unrealistic expectations because a very small percentage of the populace looks like an underwear model (hell, even the Victoria's Secret models probably don't look that amazing once the makeup is off and the airbrushing is undone). However, annoyingly enough, no one can win! If you deny what is mainstream, some see you as authentic, and above it all, while others will find something negative about you lack of conformity. Then if you do wear makeup, or have the proposed "perfect" body, people will fawn over your beauty or ostracize you for it and assume you're vapid and narcissistic.

We just cannot let other people be.

I find it really annoying how looks/brains are mutually exclusive in people's minds. Sorry, but just because I wear dresses and makeup it doesn't mean that I'm lacking intelligence. My mother's mom wore makeup. My mom wears it. My older sister is a makeup artist! I wear makeup but don't assume that because I work some black liquid liner and red lips that I will not school you on Oscar Wilde's Soul of Man Under Socialism possibly give you verbal whiplash in the process. In the same vein, I know many women, be it my friends, family, or college professors who don't care for makeup. Some of them are really smart, others aren't, and many are beautiful all the same.

I don't really understand why we consider women brave who post a picture of themselves without makeup. It's still them, and why is it shocking to anyone that a woman can look great without it? You don't wear makeup. So what? I wear makeup. Yet again, so what?

There's nothing wrong with putting your best self forward, regardless of what you think that is. If it involves makeup and hair dye, super. If it doesn't, that's fine too. I'm tired of this idea that you should only focus on your personality and mind. Don't get me wrong, you should WANT to be smart and well rounded. But why do we assume that intelligence and personality are in an opposing binary to physical looks?

For me, personally, I like to strive for a balance of both because I feel more confident as a person. If I take the time to put on clothes I like, do my makeup, exercise, etc, I feel better. I'm not going to act like I am not insecure, and that I like makeup because it helps me to hide acne, eye luggage, and acne scars. However, I like to read. I enjoyed researching papers in undergrad--smart people stuff I suppose. I enjoy the occasional uppity foreign film, whatever. Oh yeah, and then I turn around and laugh at/make a joke about bodily fluids. If I ever have a daughter, I will absolutely encourage her to take care of herself in mind, body, and soul. If she'd like a lesson in liquid eyeliner, I'll surely help her but she'll know (of course) that she doesn't have to wear it if she doesn't want it. And, naturally, her ability to dress nicely will not impact her ability to analyze Macbeth or to ace Calculus, or to just have a personality and be a well-cultivated individual--which is, yet again an objective concept.

When it's Time to Call it Quits.

I don't know why I'm thinking about this right now, on a Friday night while I'm at home watching Frozen with my dog instead of out being a twenty-something with reckless abandon. I guess, in part, this has to do with the fact that I've never been reckless.

I think it's important to have friends. It's great to have people you can talk to, that are there for you, and that you can just have fun and grow up with. However, you don't keep all of the friends you make. I mean, think about the people you spent the most time with four years ago? Your elementary school friends? Junior high? High school? The beginning of college? The end of college? etc.

It's normal for people to drift away from each other, and it's not always because something bad happens! Sometimes people just change, or they don't need each other anymore. It happens and it's not because of anything malicious. I have friends I haven't seen in years, and friends I see infrequently, but when we do, we've hug and we're happy to see each other and to hear that one another's doing well.

Then you have the ones that are uglier. I distinctly remember a friend I'd had all through elementary school (first to fifth grade) who acted like I didn't exist by the end of sixth grade (when we went to middle school). I experienced several friends move on from me for their "cooler" social groups and it absolutely hurt. I remember seeing one of those girls a few years ago, and she walked past me as if I was a complete stranger. At the time it was sad, but now, as a 24 year old, I've moved on and made better friends. Also, I know how middle schoolers are completely vicious, and I'm not going to act like there weren't people I would sometimes not talk to because of that "mean girl" thing we all succumb to at some point in our teenage years.

You meet people it's clear you need to get away from because they aren't good friends. Be it because they lie to you, make you feel badly, bully you, pressure you, or just in general disrespect you as their friend. But sometimes it's hard to tell. I sometimes struggle with this. Do I keep someone around even though I've known them for a long time, yet sometimes they treat me poorly? I mean, we're all human. It happens. We all have bad days/phases. Is the time to call it quits really so black and white?

I like to think I try to be a good friend. I'm not perfect, and I wouldn't claim to be. I have moodiness, I have a strong preference for being right, and my insecurities sometimes make me feel afraid to talk to my friends or ask anything of them because I'm afraid of being annoying or a burden. However, I like to think my friends know I care about them. I hope they do...and if any of you are reading this: Hi. I care about you!

Something that really discourages me from people is when I feel like I'm the only one putting effort into it. Like any relationship, it should be a two way street, and it hurts like hell to be the person who cares more. And that's how I feel about a friendship I have now. I feel like I'm at their mercy and if I want to talk to them I have to talk first and maybe I'll get a text message response with one word in it. Then there will be times this friend will text me something random. I don't know. We don't talk on the phone or over Skype. We barely communicate on Facebook...actually we don't anymore. I used to at least get that. We aren't a lot of distance between one another, yet we never see each other. Nothing.

I feel odd typing this up on here, but it's been on my mind a bit lately. It's just really hard feeling like you're the only one trying to keep a friendship vital, and that you are the one who gives every damn to be given. It is just plain sad. I don't think friendships are suppose to make you feel bad or upset. Or neglected. One thing I've learned is that just because you've known someone for a long time it doesn't necessarily equate to a good relationship. I've made friends in the last few years who are amazing, supportive, and all around wonderful people that you'd think I've known forever. I also have friends I've kept for more than a decade who are fantastic. I'm definitely learning that longevity is not necessarily healthy or a good thing. You can have something for a long time you need to maybe consider moving on from.

Right now, I'm in a great place. I have friends/family and people around me who support my ambitions and want to see me do well and be happy. Hopefully, I'll be getting my MA this fall and I'll be on track to where I want to be. I'm getting better at driving. I've gotten a little more confident in myself be it for my own intellectual capabilities, as well as with my own appearance. I've done it without people I used to think I needed.

"Real" Job.

I haven't been good about posting lately. I've been busy and sleepy. And I also started this blog while unemployed, which brings me to my post of the evening!

I just saw someone on Facebook refer to girls working in a retail store as lacking a "real job." Does it pay you? Do you do things? Then it's a damn job!

Regardless of the amount of hours or pay you make, a job is a job, and frankly any person who shows contempt for a person working in a clothing store, in a restaurant, or any other low-wage customer service job is just exposing their own ignorance. Regardless of the perception of those jobs, they are hard. I know a slew of different aged people working these jobs, and they aren't just kiddie, teeny boppers. I've worked with teenagers and grown women with families. It's not just standing around bullshitting. You've got to know all of merchandise, the sales, how to run the registers, all of the store's policies, the sizing (if you work in a clothing store) etc. It's not just sitting around gossiping. I've had customers who are engaging and fun, as well as customers who are completely disrespectful and thankless but no matter what I'm met with I still have to be composed, respectful, and patient. I do this for eight hours a day.

I'm not saying this to render sympathy. It's the job I have and I do it (as it wasn't easy to find a full-time gig out of college). However, it's not any less of a job than your 9-5. Our management works full-time, sometimes more. Do not treat someone like less of a human, void of a "real job" just because they haven't gotten a full time position yet.

PS: It's not ideal for us when the store closes at nine and you roll up at 8:55pm. Most of us will have composure and help you regardless of when you arrive. However, there will be times when you encounter someone crabby because they're human! We don't live in the store, and we cannot begin to close our stores until you're out. Is it okay for an associate to show attitude? Not at all. But if you were in that circumstance, having worked all day or maybe just gotten out of a full day at high school or university...how would you feel? You can't say you wouldn't be exhausted.

This is why I think everyone needs to work a job like that. Also, if you're suddenly uppity because you've transcended and gotten a full-time job, you need to get over it. As a person who has been there, you should know how to be conscientious.

Smarty Pants.

This may come as a surprise, but maybe not, that I've never really considered myself smart. I was always decently smart in grade school, probably above average, but I wasn't the genius or the idiot. In the typical youngest child point of view, I thought my sister was the smart and pretty one. Everyone said she was so smart and pretty; I always felt like I was just kind of there. This is attributed to my own self-esteem issues rather than other people, and I don't blame other people (It's not my sister's fault she's smart and a pretty person). I was so demotivated my last half of high school, as well as during a decent chunk of community college.

So here I am now, at 24, and suddenly I'm told I'm smart and considered a smart person. I was talking to my professor yesterday, and I told her I've thought about getting a PhD, and I'd love to go for it, but there's a part of me that isn't sure and I don't know if that's common sense or low self-esteem. There's no doubt you've got to have the smarts to get one, as well as the tenacity. Plus, it's a risky move because the job market's a bitch (in fairness, I don't know of a marker that wouldn't be. There are more PhD's because more people go to college these days than ever. The Business degree will likely become as criticized as humanities someday because as it is considered the "good" major to get because it's economical there are now more people getting it, thus increasing competition). My professor told if I want to go for it then do it, and not to let anyone discourage me from the direction I want to go for. Also, that I am smart, and it shows now that I've begun to care about my work and push my intelligence.

It's still strange to own it. I don't walk around thinking that I'm so smart. Transitioning from not feeling intelligent to having people tell me often, be it friends or family, or my professors (some of the most intelligent people I've encountered) say I'm intelligent is a stranger compliment for me than being told I'm pretty. I don't do the whole arguing the compliment nonsense, and I attempt to be gracious and take it, but it still surprises me to hear "You're really smart," "You're a good writer," etc etc. It brightens my day hearing that, even if I'm still working on owning it.

Reasons to Exercise Apart from Weight Loss

1. It decreases anxiety and depression. As someone who struggles with both, this is huge. You can take all of the medication you want, but medicine isn't a magical pill that solves every issue you'll ever have, and sometimes medication can make things worse. I am not anti-psychiatric medication, as someone who benefits from it, but my point is that it will not solve everything.

2. You don't have to look nice. Seriously, you can take a walk or a run in your pajamas and it's more practical than a face of makeup and slacks. Or high heels. When as was a teenager, I remember popping right out of bed in my pjs and hopping on the elliptical. Not gonna lie, I still do this sometimes, or if I'm especially lazy I'll sleep in sweat pants so that all I have to do is put my hair in a bun, put on a sport's bra, grab my sneakers, and run.

3. You can do it while watching TV. I feel a lot less bad about watching six hours of RuPaul's Drag Race if I spend some of that time viewing it while walking on the treadmill or doing sit ups through commercial breaks.

4. It's a good time to catch up on music. Whenever I have new music to listen to, I bring it to the treadmill and the time flies.

5. You can read. Okay, personally, I don't know how people do this, but some people have figured it out, so it is a thing.

6. No one will bother you. Kind of like doing yard work, no one really wants to talk to you if you're exercising because they'll be afraid that you'll ask them to join in.

7. You just feel better. Who doesn't want to feel better? Be it because you don't feel fat, or endorphins, it's a nice feeling to not feel icky.

8. Energy drinks. Yep, I'm going there. But working out is MORE than a valid reason for the magic that is Red Bull.

Random

I haven't posted in a while. Woops, blog neglect!

I haven't had anything on my mind really that I felt inclined to write about...okay, that isn't true. Of course there have been happenings, but not all things belong on a public forum. Okay, so just a little crash course in random:

1. I thoroughly enjoy when people who are all "whaaaa I'm a non-conformist, you shan't judge me" are profoundly judgmental themselves. Personally, I believe it is human nature to have preconceived ideas about certain people or things just because we cannot help it due to the values we have, the way we are raised, etc. Anyone who says they've never judged someone is a liar. However, it's obnoxious when people write up ridiculous Facebook posts placing judgment on other people for one reason or another. Seriously, get over yourself. If you asked the subject of your ridicule, they probably don't like you either and think your haircut is stupid.

2. I hate snow. Snow can melt in hell. If claims of insanity spike in 2014, I fully attribute it to cabin fever due to snow. I've never really understood the appeal of living somewhere like Florida, but ya know, I get it now.

3. Billie Joe Armstrong (that guy from Green Day) and Norah Jones' Everly Brothers cover album, Foreverly, is actually pretty nice. I find Green Day annoying, but this is actually an intriguing duo worth listening to.

4. So the leader of the Westboro Baptists died. The reactions I've seen are quite interesting. For me, I can't imagine being happy that someone is dead, and I don't think his death will stop them unfortunately. I've read posts about people contemplating picketing his funeral, with would be a tremendous thing to do, because karma. However, I wonder what it would accomplish. These people are hateful and insane, but should we stoop to their level, really? Would it really create peace and/or understanding of those with different ideals than us? For me, I think fighting hateful people with hate is just going to create an even greater divide. I understand the anger, because these people (and others like them) have certainly engendered anger in me, but coming at someone who disagrees with you like a striking viper just doesn't seem like a way to create understanding. I don't condone people like them at all, but just some food for thought...

The "Dress" Secret

Those who know me know I wear a dress a good 96% of the time. Well, even people who don't really know me can figure this out if their eyeballs work. I think the reactions people give me are pretty funny. Usually people say things like "You're always so dressed up" or "Aren't you uncomfortable?" Believe it or not, I don't find my dresses lacking comfort, and I don't qualify myself as being "dressed up" unless the occasion I'm dressing for involves heels and possibly toned down makeup (as in, no red lips, or a less bright of a red).

There's this dress...

 

This dress...

 

(This is from my first semester a uni. A modified version of my closet, but I can spot at least fifteen of my dresses here).

 

You get the point. I own a lot of dresses. If I were to count how many I have, I've probably go over fifty. The thing is I actually wear them all. Also, I feel more comfortable. I don't wear some dress made of fabric that doesn't stretch or breathe every day, and most of mine are made of comfy fabrics. But I'm going to let you in on my dress secret: wearing dresses takes less time! When I get ready in the morning, or whenever, I do my hair and makeup, and then I pick out my clothing for the day. When you have a dress all you need is a pair of shoes and you're set (maybe tights depending on weather). It's takes me a lot less time. I find jeans generally uncomfortable because I don't like the way they dig into your gut. Also, if some pants give you the muffin top, you have to find the right shirt to hide it. Not all shirts go with all trousers. Dresses, on the other hand, you get your top and bottom covered, and all you need is a pair of shoes and BOOM outfit.

 

And everyone thinks you're classy and a dressed up fabulous human being. You're welcome.

 

PS To those who are curious, all of the dresses pictured I have found on ModCloth throughout the years. However, you don't need to buy a dress that is more than your monthly student loans to look like a fancy pants...dig around and you do find nifty deals on their site.

 

Gym Bullies

I have been seeing a lot of posts, commercials, etc. about people feeling uncomfortable at the gym because of people being rude to them or because they are intimidated with all of the hard-bodied, spandex-clad gym patrons about.

We get it, lady.

 

They are beautiful, in great shape, and barely even look like they've been running for six miles on the treadmill. I don't get these majestic people who go to the gym and look more like an ad, as if they are just modeling gym attire and equipment. Personally, when I run, I look like I've been dying from cholera when I'm done.

 

I'm not going to lie about my personal disdain for the gym. Well, maybe disdain is too strong of a word. I would rather exercise at home. I like the privacy and lack of inhibition of going down to the basement of my parent's house and working out. I can take my time, and I don't need to worry about rushing because someone is waiting for me to hop off, or like I'm being judged. I just want to run on the treadmill, leave me be. And I rarely wear spandex. More often than not I run in the sweatpants and t-shirt I slept in the night before. The biggest plus, for me, in going to the gym is that I'm in and out. I'm much less likely to stop while I'm running/walking on the treadmill; I go for an hour, hop off, lift some weights, and get the hell out. I went to the gym at school because it's free. One of my reasons in not going is, frankly, I don't want to pay to use a treadmill at a gym when I've got one in my damn house that I may use whenever I want! It's almost midnight right now, and if I wanted to go down and run in my PJS I could do so within two seconds. I could do this now, at 3AM, 10AM, etc. Anytime is gym time, and I don't need to worry about the rush hours in which everyone and their mother is trying to find an elliptical.

 

Having said that, I get feeling self-conscious at the gym. I have certainly felt insecure at the gym because I'm not a hard body, and my stomach is puffy. I also do not have defined calf muscles, and my hips and thighs do not lie (although I think hips are awesome). Then there's the self consciousness about what I wear to the gym, and being in public without makeup. Yeah, I am a person who feels uncomfortable in public without makeup. However, there's now stigma about having makeup on your face at the gym. In fairness, there really isn't a point in putting a face of makeup on when you're going to sweat it off. Having said that, I will at least put some heavy duty spot foundation on my zits and acne scars.

 

It's a bit sad how exercising at the gym has become a judgmental activity. Be it because someone has makeup on, nice hair, or even a body void of a six pack. It's sad how mean people can be. Maybe we'd all be in better shape if worry about what other people do at the gym wasn't such a thing.

 

Let's just clear this up, gym bullies: the people you see that aren't perfectly muscular will never get in shape if they don't work out! Instead of calling them fat, encourage them for being proactive. We should be happy for people trying to better themselves and get healthier considering how many people die because of health-related complications obesity or sedentary lifestyles can provoke. Also, not everyone who goes to the gym who looks perfect started off that way. We all have to start somewhere.



The "Average" Barbie

I've heard of people campaigning for Barbie dolls that look "normal" or like "real women" for ages. The most recent one, is this doll, and the creator is actually on his way to getting them manufactured. Personally, I think the dolls are very pretty, and if I were a little girl I'd love to play with them. However, whenever these types of things come up I get a little confused. There's no denying my own personal issues with my physical appearance, and that I started being insecure when I was very young. However, I don't think I'd blame my Barbie. I don't think I would blame any of my dolls. Honestly, I cannot pin point where my self-consciousness about my body engendered itself, but I don't think I would blame my dollies because they made me so happy as a child and I would spend the ENTIRE day, sun up to sun down, playing with them. I had a pretty good understanding of the fact that they were DOLLS, not real people, and not modeled to look real. Dolls are rooted in fantasy, in imaginative play; of course they aren't going to look "real."

Then I find annoyance in the concept of the "real woman." I hate the term "real woman." Not everyone looks like this "Normal Barbie" and they shouldn't be shamed for it. Some people are shorter, taller, thinner, fatter, etc. There are people out there with bodies that look more like the long legged, buxom Barbie (sans chronic tippy toes). Placing a standard on what is normal is just as dangerous as the "thin is in" standards of our media today.

If we really want to create dolls that represent "real women" then they need to come in every shape and size combination under the sun (as well as skin colors, hair, eyes, and even things like cellulite, muscle tone, and veins will need to be brought in). I appreciate the efforts for positive body acceptance because not all young girls understand that fantasy element of dolls, or even that the media's interpretation of beauty is flawed (seriously, if we were given the list of people it took to make an actress look as she does our minds would probably be blown). However, I don't think we should use words like "real" or "normal" because it still others different bodies. It isn't really fair to shame a tall and skinny girl, but it also isn't fair to shame a short girl with an average body weight, or an average heighted girl who is considered overweight. In fairness, I think people and our media are much more cruel to average or overweight women, but it's not exactly right to be hateful to someone for having a different body than you, regardless of how "good" or "bad" you find their body to be.

I've surely said it before, but I'll say it again: We need to stop obsessing about how big or small someone's body is, and think more about being healthy. Eat what's good for you, enjoy the not so healthy stuff in moderation (I think it's impossible to just outlaw cake from your life), exercise now and then, and do things like listen to music or read books that just make your brain happy. If you're brain is happy, you'll feel a bit better, and actually want to take care of your body.

*drops mic*

Role Models

The most agitating arguments that we surely encounter daily is what celebrities, books, etc. art meant to do. The worst, for me, is the argument that famous people are meant to act like positive, model citizens for the world's children. I also hate the argument that books are bad because they teach kids bad things or their subject matter is bad.

I'm going to break this down in an effort to write with more clarity. Let's start with celebrities like pop stars, super models, actors, actresses, etc. It is not their responsibility to babysit the world's children. As much as I cannot stand Miley Cyrus, and I don't understand why she wears those ridiculous 90's underpants that show more of your vagina than necessary, she is not a babysitter. She is an entertainer, and it's common sense at this point in pop culture that most young musicians go through a phase where they just don't wear pants very much. Madonna, Britney, Christina, etc. I don't think Lady Gaga has worn pants at all. These people are paid to entertain. If they don't entertain then they won't get paid.

Not only are they entertainers, but they are people too. Are you perfect all of the time? Do you go to church every Sunday, says your prayers daily, please and thank you, never curse, never drink, nice to everyone, solving world hunger, and you keep your shirt buttoned up all the time? We don't know everything about these people, and a decent chunk of them, like regular people, have issues. Plenty of the come from broken families, abusive families, have drug or alcohol problems, eating disorders, etc. No one is born immune to the tragedies life makes possible, even if they do become a teen idol.

If a celebrity wants to be considered a "good" role model, then fine. However, if the day ever comes when Taylor Swift wants to do a sexy editorial, or goes out and gets hammered with her friends, the backlash will be the reason for the teardrops on her guitar (the angel/devil binary needs to be shot). Once we declare these people "role models" we put them onto an impossible pedestal. Not to mention everyone has a different idea of what a role model is. Some people think Katy Perry is the embodiment of female objectification, anti-feminist (feminism warrants a completely different post), whatever. Fill in the blank. Others, like myself, think she's just a silly popstar, not trying to take herself so seriously, she has boobs, and dammit, she's going to embrace them! I enjoy her music because it's generally happy and upbeat. Seriously, a song like Roar gives me life when I'm running on the treadmill! However, she's not everyone's cup of tea and that's fine. Usually, when people consider something or somewhere immoral, it translates to them just flat out disliking it anyhow.

The concept of a role model is ridiculous to me. These people aren't gods, and they aren't your kids parents. Yes, unfortunately, there are a lot of young people out there without a parent or some sort of adult mentor to look to, so they turn to their favorite musicians or actresses. But is it a musician's fault, really, if someone interprets what they do in a negative way? Also, for those who are parents, parent your child! If you don't like the Marilyn Manson music, don't let your kid listen to it. My parents didn't let me watch MTV for quite awhile, and if there was something I wanted to see, I had to ask permission. Also, we underestimate kids. I remember being a diehard Britney Spears fan as a kid, and seeing the performance at the VMAS where she stripped to the flesh-toned getup, but guess what? I didn't want to go out and do the same thing!  I understood that she was a musician, and an entertainer. It's not real life. And as we all saw later in her career, she's a person with demons and imperfections.

Now, lets get to books. Have you ever looked at a list of banned books? Notice how many of those books are considered classics. Oscar Wilde has a great quote from The Picture of Dorian Gray in which he says "'The books that the world calls immoral are books that show the world its own shame."

So, maybe people feel uncomfortable with books like Twilight because the protagonist is self-conscious, angsty (teenage archetype), dependent on her boyfriend, and she's willing to forsake her life for her significant other...and she's only a teenage girl. Do we not engrain this type of mentality into women of all ages? That we must have boyfriends? Husbands? Seriously, we've had this idea for women for ages, and we all like to think we've progressed and that we're teaching women of all ages that they don't need a boyfriend or a husband to define themselves or to be happy, but are we really? Think about that next time you chastise your friend for still being a virgin, being single, owning a cat, etc.

Maybe people dislike Harry Potter because they feel uncomfortable with the idea of kids having to defend themselves from the stupidity of generations before them. Also, as a predominantly Christian society, the thought of people, especially kids, using something other than faith in God to solve their problems...that's just icky to think about.

Then there's The Hunger Games. I've heard people complain because of the violence in the series. *Sighs* Unfortunately, violence is inescapable in our culture. Yet again, we have a young person who has to grow up quickly, but she ALSO has to take care of her family. Then we send young kids to fight against one another in battles that they weren't responsible for instigating, while people can watch them on television like it's a game show. Why does this sound familiar? Maybe this book series bothers people because it's showing them that there's something a bit wrong with sending a kid to war (I don't care what people say, eighteen is still a baby)...and that there's something a little bit creepy about being able to watch them fighting (and doing so without a choice), and dying on television like a sordid game show.

If you ask me, what books are meant to do is reveal the human condition, and that life isn't perfect. Sometimes people suck, bad people get ahead, good people have terrible circumstances, not all romantic relationships will be healthy, not all parents are nice to their kids, and what does it even mean to be "good" or "bad" anyway? They should encourage questioning, and analysis not only of the text, but of the social conditions presented. If we want kids to read things about good morals and good people, then it's goodbye Shakespeare, and no more reading The Great Gatsby. Of course, people, like Mr. Dorian Gray, will take meanings from books and turn them into something dangerous, but the book is not to blame.

She posted THAT on Facebook?

I probably encounter a post weekly that involves someone complaining about what other people post on the internet, particularly Facebook. From politics to religion to "selfies" (ew, I can't believe I just used that word), to crap from their "fandom" (another fake word I hate) to school grades etc. I've also seen posts about people complaining about the people who post pictures of their children all the time. The latest I've read people bitching about would be the funny, entertaining quizzes on BuzzFeed. I don't really get the annoyance of people doing those. Maybe it's because I think it's funny and amusing. Seriously, of all the things to find irritation with in the world, you're going to choose "Which Boy Meets World Character Are You?" For the record, I got Angela. Who didn't love Angela?

Before I get into criticizing people for what they find annoying, let me tell you what I personally don't like. I find it ridiculous the way the people will post about hot button issues on their Facebooks. To me, it's the virtual "kick me" sign that implies "I want to instigate an argument." For me, personally, I'm not interested in posting my political ideologies on the internet for a multitude of reasons. One being that I don't think they are anyone's business, and I don't consider myself to be really left or right. Some issues I can see both sides of the coin and others I can't. Also, I am not informed enough to engage in tons of political banter (granted, aren't those usually the people who do?). I'm not interested in arguing about political bullshit on the internet because something as personal as political or religious ideologies is not something that can be persuaded over the internet. It's more than likely the person you're fighting with about abortion, or whatever issue, already has their opinion set in stone. You trying to change their mind or insulting them by calling them sexist or ignorant isn't really going to make them think twice; it's just going to piss them off before they understand your point of view.

I'm not saying we shouldn't engage with people who have different ideas, but maybe there's a better way than hiding behind Facebook? Perhaps ask you friend to go out for coffee and discuss different perspectives then? I just think pursing this dialogue over the internet is comparable to beating a dead horse. You're allowed to disagree, but this is my opinion. If you sit there and argue online with people, then you're just going to be dismissed as a troll by them more than likely.

You just won't get a jewel for a belly button.

 



I once stumbled upon a blog post that said people shouldn't post their grades on the internet, and people who are parents shouldn't post their children's grades. Why? Because it makes others feel bad, and "who cares?" Welcome to the internet, sunshine! Social media thrives on people posting things that nobody gives a rat's ass about (narcissism 101 folks). People are going to post what they want. I'm not going to sit around bashing my Facebook friends who use their page for political banter because it's not going to stop it. Do I wish I were a person who made straight A's every semester of college? Yes. And ya know, sometimes I do feel envious of people who make that happen, and the pictures of people graduating with all of their honors cords. I'll have honors cords, but I won't have twenty. However, I can't sit around feeling bad about myself and comparing myself to other people because I'm not graduating summa cum laude.

 

Last semester I had three A's and two A-'s. I've never had a semester of nothing but A grades, and I worked my ass off for them. If I want to post about my grades, I'm going to! Considering the bumps in my journey, a semester like that is worth sharing for me. I wanted to scream it from the rooftops because it felt like a type of transcendence! The intention isn't to invoke envy or make people feel badly, it's just to say "Hey, look how well I did! I'm proud of myself!" I agree that we do as a society impose difficult standards onto students, be it kids in grade school or in university. However, should people not be allowed to feel proud of their achievements because it makes other people feel bad?

 

I look at people with flat stomachs and wish I had one. I wish I had a 4.0. I wish I were fluent in French. I wish I was smart enough to go to Columbia. And sure, it'd be nice to find a nice man-friend. I see people post about these things, but I'm not going to tell them not to because it makes me feel bad about myself! The cards I've been dealt have to be worked with if I want to be happy with myself, and it's not been the easiest of ventures.

 

A-MEN!

 

If you're on Facebook, hell if you're on the internet, you're signing up to see and read things you don't really care about, or that maybe you'll envy. From job promotions to posts about poop. I think it's silly how many "selfies" people on my Facebook post, but they probably think my pictures of my dog and posts about books are annoying. Whatever. Deal with it, or delete your Facebook.



Future Thoughts

When I first enrolled into my university, I chose my major to be in English/Secondary Education. I thought I would teach high schoolers because they aren't babies and I could talk to them a bit more directly. Also, young kids make me nervous. I like them and get along with them well, but if you say something wrong to a little one you will be up shit's creek quick! I liked the idea of particular limitations in public schooling, like censoring content and that certain subjects were taboo. No sex, religion, politics, etc. I could live with that. Then I got to observe a classroom through a community college course. Eh. Apart from how unruly the kids were, if not impossible, it made me really sad to hear some of the teachers talk about the students being stupid. I mean, I'm closer to their age, and I while I wasn't in high school, I was still a student at the time.

I saw teachers have to monitor dress codes, handle kids with devastating personal problems, insult students behind their backs, talk about other faculty, put on a movie instead of reading the entire text. It was overwhelming. I thought, maybe once I actually do it I will feel less disenchanted. Maybe once I take more classes I will feel better. Not so much. I think it's an old cliché, but I truly believe you have to be the right type of person to teach Elementary/Secondary education. You have to want it completely, have patience, be thick skinned, and smart.

I dropped Secondary Education from my degree because I didn't think I would be happy doing it, and frankly, I see myself being happier and more fulfilled at the junior college or university level. I've never shadowed a professor, but I've talked enough to my professors to get an idea of what they do all day (in fairness, shadowing or talking about it is probably the more gentle way to see how they do their jobs). I feel that my humor, temperament, passions, and mentality are better suited for the collegiate level. Also, as I've become more passionate about literature, the more I dislike the idea of having to censor political, sexual, religious, themes. I mean, there's a reason why I hated Shakespeare in high school and love him as a college graduate. There are themes deemed too suggestive for the teenage audience. And how can you teach Shakespeare without talking about the dirty innuendos?

Personally, I do not think everyone is cut out to be a teacher, be it a grade school or college teacher. I have had professors who I do not think could handle a high school classroom be it because they are too polite, or too intense. The same goes for my teachers in grade school. I don't know that a few of them could handle teaching at a collegiate level. They both require different demands. I think it's important to be really smart though, regardless of what type of teaching you do. I'm sure everyone who has been through school can remember a teacher or professor that was a disaster and seemingly had no business teaching. Be it because they couldn't handle their classroom, or teach well. There are also the people who teach that seemingly don't care at all about their content, students, or anything at all. We've all been there.

Teaching high school didn't make me feel excited, but rather, I would dread the thought of it. Regardless of what you're trying to do, you should feel excited about it! Anxiety is to be anticipated, but dread shouldn't be a thing. I just don't imagine myself being happy or able to handle a classroom of crazy sixteen year olds.

The thought of being a teacher at a university or community college is exciting and terrifying to me. I understand that I'm not a genius, and getting the job is a bitch on wheels, but I need to try for myself. I could see myself being happy being immersed in literature, giving lectures, or even conducting my own research. I understand there is a risk for bad pay, but seriously, I don't think anyone who wants to teach should expect high pay. However, if things don't work, I'll try something new and start again. I have to try.

I imagine there are downsides to college, just as there are for grade school. You've got to deal with students who don't feel the need to show up, care, and only put in enough effort to pass the class with a mediocre grade so they can graduate. You've also got the uppity students who think they're above and beyond everyone. Yes, getting an A is good, being an honors student, or doing your own research in your leisure is not a bad way to go, but you aren't above anyone. That person you call professor or doctor is in charge. Are they perfect? No. But it's their class. Pretentious students, I reckon, annoy their professors as much as classmates. Not to mention department politics. I'm not naïve enough to think their lives are a bed of roses, and that all of my professors probably like one another. Like any job, there will be bullshit, people who suck, annoying rules and standards, etc. Not to mention the whole professorial tenure process/hierarchy of different level of professor...eek.

Teachers have to deal with faculty and tenure too. Not to mention making the content appropriate for the audience, monitoring the language students use, and their clothing choices. If they blow off class or arrive late then it's a call or an e-mail to mother. If you offend someone, mama may find out and get on your case. Because they are minors, the rules are different and special care must be taken. Honestly, I just don't think I'm right for it. I know people who will be, and I'm surely smart enough to teach high school, but I don't know if I have the personality or temperamental capacity. I'm going with my gut on this one; I'll never know if I don't push and give it a try.

I'd rather look back on my choices and go "yeah, I went for that" than "why didn't I try that? I wish I had done that."

Song To Know

I'm a diehard loyal to Nick Cave. I adore his music, and this one is no different. It's the first single off of his more recent album Push the Sky Away. It's haunting, eerie, and all of the glory that is Nick Cave. I don't think anyone could sing this song but him. His voice, VOICE! AAAAH. Dying. Dead. Done. In a coma from the wonderment.

"We know who you are, and we know where you live, and we know there's no need to forgive."

Chills. Just chills. Like a bonehead, I neglected to include this one on my Nick Cave 101 post.

Manners

I think working in various retail stores since 2008 has given me quite the unpleasant view of the way people can be so awful to others. I reckon anyone who has worked in any sort of customer service position can relate. Generally speaking, most people aren't friendly or they are just aloof and aren't really there to do anything but look. However, you do get those people who are so nasty that you wonder if they were ever taught to be freaking nice to people. I'm surely not Miss Manners, but I try. I try to be polite and respectful of other people because it's just the way to be. Just because someone is pouring your drink and folding the clothes you want to buy, it does not mean they are of an inferior race of humans. Yet, sadly, some people do treat us that way.

Don't get me wrong, those of us who work in customer service are not always majestic, perfect little angels. We've all experienced poor service somewhere. I once went to a bar where I got a drink that had a bug in it, and the waiter basically ignored me the entire night in a seemingly deliberate fashion. I wasn't rude, I just wanted a drink void of a dead bug. I've also experienced walking into a store where the employees don't even acknowledge my presence, sit around gossiping, swearing on the floor, or stalk me around the store as if I'm a thief. Recently, I went into a bookstore to order a book and the employee did not ask me to verify the edition I wanted. I looked up the copy he ordered for me, and it was abridged (considering the book is originally 1500 pages, and this version was near 600...yeah no thank you). Personally, I guess if I saw different editions/prices for a book coming up, I'd ask the customer which it would be that they want. This list goes on of fouls. Sometimes we customer service people do suck because we are patronizing or too smothering or completely negligent. It happens.

As an employee, I do try, with earnest, to be polite and respectful to people. However, sometimes it's really difficult when people will not ever stoop to say "hello" back to you when you greet them. Today, I watched a woman basically throw a shopping bag at my co-worker. Then, while she was shopping, she had a decent number of items racked on her arm. In EVERY clothing store I've worked, I've been taught to ask a customer with full hands if they'd like a fitting room started so they don't have to carry all of these heavy clothes about. I politely asked her if I could start her a room, and she says "No. I will let you know when I need help." I could understand if we had been pushy or rude to her, but we weren't. I mean, she was planning to try all of these clothes on, and she had several articles of clothing, why wouldn't you want your hands free? Something so trivial as that to be rude about. Rudeness for the sake of rudeness.

None of us had been rude to her, as is often the case when people are snarky to customer service employees. I've seen circumstances in which the customer surly reaction to an employee was justified because we were being disrespectful. Personally, I can't stand when I feel like I'm being followed in a store, but if that happens, I'll leave. I'm not about to get pissy because it's hardly worth the energy.

Honestly, I joke about it a lot, but I really think that manners should be taught in schools because seemingly they aren't learning them at home. Politeness, "please," "thank you," a "hello" back, etc. it gets you so far in life! And it is so appreciated. Don't be disrespectful of us because we are in customer service. Many of us are college educated, or just intelligent without the need of a degree (some of us do suffer from stupidity, in fairness). We are humans. We make mistakes. We would not try to offend you on purpose because if we did that we would get fired, and not a single person these days can stand to lose their job even if they are in something like food service or retail. Forgive us if we apologize; I promise, we mean it when we do.

I think schools should implement manners/etiquette into their curriculum through the grade school years and into university. They teach us to play nice with others in kindergarten, but they never continue to lesson! From respecting other people, to dining manners to job interview manners, I think it would be tremendously worthwhile if we taught these things in schools.

I also think at some point everyone should experience customer service. Nothing teaches you patience and humility in such a hands-on way.  Whenever I go into a store now, I do my best to be respectful. If the employee speaks to me, I kindly reply. If I pick something up or knock it over, I put it back as it was. I often will talk to them because they are surely bored out of their mind if it's a slower working day. And having to deal with someone that's a virtual stranger being mean to you doesn't always get easier. Eventually, you do learn to let it slide and laugh it off, but it's still a slow process to develop a thick skin, if you ever do.

Amanda Drives!

As people who know me are aware, driving scares me a lot. I can drive the places I'm familiar or used to, but the unknown is like a cannonball of anxiety. My issue with driving is not some sort of prissy complex where I just want Morgan Freeman to drive me around or something, but rather, a legitimate fear. However, ever since I've been back from college I have missed my professors and friends-so much so that I would drive! My friend down there texted me to just do it, and drive down. So as a spontaneous decision, I did it. I'm thinking the spontaneity was probably a good thing because I would have been likely to just bail out of nerves if this was planned a few weeks in advance.

But I did it! I survived! As I e-mailed to one of my professors, there was a body count of zero between the to and from drives. I didn't take an interstate or anything, and just stuck to the back roads, which really wasn't that bad! Plus there were donkeys, llamas, and cows everywhere. I had printed directions, my GPS, and mixed CDs to keep me stimulated but in a relaxed way. Oh yeah, and lots of caffeine. The caffeine was a must. I was a bit clammy handed and nervous, but I survived it.

It was a very brief trip but well worth it. I got to see a few of my friends and professors, plus I bought my academic regalia! It was super nice getting to catch up with the people I did see, and have my morale boosted a little. It certainly has felt like my little college family is a continent away, but now knowing that it's just a few hundred miles that roughly add up to 2-3 hours, and that I can handle the drive, I know I can come see them whenever I have the time!

I don't say this often because I'm really quite hard on myself, but I actually feel proud of myself. Driving is an anxiety that I've carried with me for years, and I'm finally beginning to crack it!

Can We Stop?

I'm hardly the PC police, and those of you who know me well enough have surely heard me make a joke about something in a vulgar or demeaning sense. Maybe I'm cynical, but I think most of us probably have made a joke or laughed at one because of someone's gender, race, sexuality, religion, disability, psychological state, etc. Honestly, I wouldn't believe someone who says they've never indulged in some form of humor that is less than kind to a group of people, or they've never in their life used a word with a particular connotation. I'm not one to be preachy, but I'm about to be preachy.

Can we please stop using "retard/retarded" as slang, or to mean "stupid" or whatever you want it to mean?

I'm not going to sit here and act like I've never used that word because I have. However, at some point in my teenage years I realized this wasn't acceptable, and that it was ignorant. Also, it's just more fun to call someone a "jackass." I think it gets the point better, granted there are times when using that as an insult is just plain rude to the donkey.

Today at work I heard a co-worker, while on the sale's floor, refer to something as being "retarded." Over time, this word has been one that makes me cringe anyway, but this scenario made my skin crawl. Not only did she say it in front of customers, but in front of a woman who came into the store with her mentally disabled daughter in a wheelchair.

The facepalms...and the urge to slam head to wall.

 

I was disturbed, and fortunately the woman didn't appear to hear this happen. It would've been one thing if she had been behind the scenes, but she was at the bloody cash register! I know not everyone thinks that word is offensive, but I personally do. I don't think it is acceptable to use that type of language at you job, even if you are a little sale's associate. I had a moment where I thought about correcting her, but I don't know that I want to start drama with someone I've only known for two days (not to mention cause a scene in front of customers). Considering the other words I heard pretty casually used on the sale's floor it's only a matter of time before she (and I use she pretty openly, because I'm not sure which of the two girls I worked with said it...they both were swearing on the floor though) is caught and reprimanded. Knowing the professionalism of my store manager, I can only imagine she wouldn't tolerate it.

 

I just don't like use of this word as something derogatory, or meant to mean someone is stupid. Not to sound like those commercials advocating PC language, but knock it off. Get a thesaurus because there are better words AND they are work appropriate. For me, it's right up there with words like "faggot." I think they are offensive, to put it mildly, and have absolutely zero place at work. Just because we work in a retail store it does not mean we cannot be intelligent, well-spoken, and mannered people.

Amanda's Tom Waits Introduction

As I did one with Nick, I figured I should give a post to another of my main musical men: the one and only Tom Waits.

Hi, Tom. Hi.

 

I eased slowly into Tom's music, and I only knew a few songs by him before I went from casual listener to a diehard follower. I've known his name for at least a decade, seeing it in magazines, or hearing other musicians talk about him but I never dove in. Frankly, I think it's good that I didn't jump in immediately because, as I've mentioned before I'm sure, I think you need to be ready for the art you love. When it comes to books, music, movies and the like, I honestly believe you have to meet them at the right place and time in your life in order for them to fit with you best. I'd love to say I was a cool eight year old who listened to guys like Tom and grew up on him, but I didn't, and had I encounter him as a young'n, I wouldn't have appreciated his music at all.

 

For me, one thing I love about Tom is the way he combines the binaries of light and darkness, and also that his darkness isn't engendered in something artificial, but rather from the human condition. He can create a song with beautiful, romantic lyrics, yet his voice sounds hardly like the balladeer of a movie musical rom-com (although his early music did with songs like In Between Love which are completely swoon-worthy and his voice sounds nothing like the one we know and love him for now).  While he combines the binaries, he is also quite grand at keeping them apart with songs that are nothing but dark in lyric or orchestration. I like to think his darkness is beyond the superficial because he expresses the pain that every single person experiences, and his voice just sounds like the monsters in your head, 3:00AM insomnia, whiskey, and cigarettes. He's storyteller (and he often writes about characters you don't really want to meet, yet somehow you know them), and honestly, just too complicated to explain well, so here's my list of favorite songs in no particular order. The fun of being a fan of Tom is that every fan you encounter will have a list that varies wildly, like Nick Cave.

 

Long Way Home

This song got me through my wild anxiety during my Spring 2013 semester where I'd literally feel like my skin was on fire and turned inside out. Lyrically, I think he's just on point. "Watch your back, keep your eyes shut tight, your love's the only thing I've ever known." And don't we all take the long way home at sometime or another, be it metaphorically or actually just taking your time to get where you want to be? Unquestionably one of my all-time favorite songs by Mr. Waits (it's tied for the very favorite with Fannin' Street).

 

Tom Traubert's Blues

Also identifiable by the chorus of "waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you, come waltzing Matilda with me." I don't think this song needs to be explained. There's nothing unlovable about it.

 

Ruby's Arms

If this isn't one of the most heart wrenching songs you've ever heard, you probably are void of a pulse. The story in this song is so sad. AAAAH. I love that he mentions a "chest of drawers" in the song, and there's something about a little detail like the chest of drawers which I love in a song. And how could lyrics like "I'll feel my way down the darken hall, and out into the morning, the hobos
 at the freightyards, have kept their fires burning. So Jesus Christ this goddamn rain! Will someone put me on a train? I'll never kiss your lips again, or break your heart, as I say goodbye, I'll say goodbye, say goodbye to Ruby's arms." Excuse me while I sit in the dark and weep.

 

Fannin' Street

This is without a doubt one of my favorite songs by Tom, and if I made a top five, this would be in there. I posted the link to the live version because I prefer the way his voice songs, but I adore the studio recording as well. I personally love the way he sings "you'll be lost and never found" and "I know just where the sidewalk ends" in the live version because of the way his voice echoes. My favorite lyrics, "Once I held you in my arms, I was sure, and I took that silent step through the gilded door. The desire to have much more, all the glitter and the roar. Now I know just where the sidewalk ends." Just beautiful, tragic, and perfect. The grass isn't always greener, and the things/people you meet who seem great and perfect are not always as they seem (a lesson I've certainly learned with some disappointment and sadness). This song tells me what type of mood I'm in because the good days, I'll smile when I listen to it, and sit in awe that a song in possession of such magic exists. On the bad days, I know exactly what he's singing about, and feeling like I now "know just where the sidewalk ends."

 

God's Away on Business

This song is just sinister because it's about the terribleness of people and the damage they bring. Personally, I think Shakespeare's King Lear would listen to this song and it would resonate. The tragedy he endures would surely make him thing God was away on business.

 

Martha

This pretty song about love that got away is hard not to love. "I remember quiet evenings, trembling close to you." Talk about a way to end a song! I'm also quite partial to the way he sings "all that really matter then was that I was a man." If you need an explanation for this one, I cannot help you. This is one of the first songs of his I really fell in love with.

 

Lonely

So few words, yet painfully clear. I don't think this song needs a lot of words to convey the meaning, especially with the accompanying piano. " Lonely eyes, Lonely eyes, Lonely lonely in your place."

 

Cemetery Polka

I don't have a lot of words for this one, but it's one of the first songs by Tom I ever listened to. It's zany, macabre, and oddly humorous. "Auntie Mame has gone insane she lives in the doorway of an old hotel. And the radio's playing opera and all she ever says is "go to Hell."

 

The Part You Throw Away

I have no idea what a "tidy Mexican divorce" is meant to mean, but man does he sing it well! Personally, I like this live version better than the studio because his voice is more raw. I find I like a lot of his songs live over their studio recordings because there's a different quality to his voice, and he conveys the emotions more effectively. I think the studio versions are a bit more tangible to someone who isn't a fan of his, and a good way to ease someone into his music because not everyone can handle that growl right away.

 

A Little Rain

I include this one because it's grown on me profoundly in the past few months. At first I thought it was a good song. A nice song. However, the more I listen to it the more I love it. "The world is round and so I'll go around. You must risk something that matters. My hands are strong, I'll take any man here. If it's worth the going, It's worth the ride." The final verse will break your stone heart.

 

Trampled Rose

Another live version I love much, much more than the studio recording. I don't think the studio version holds a candle to the live versions out there. The lyrics are pure poetry as well, "Sky's the autumn grey of a lonely wren." Lovely. I also am obsessed with how he sings "I know that rose just like I know my name, the one I give my love. I swear, it was the same. Now I find it in the street, a trampled rose."

 

Diamonds and Gold

I don't know how anyone could dislike this one, from the orchestration to the lyrics. It's just really interesting and pretty in it's way. "Small time Napoleon's shattered his knees but he stays in the saddle for Rose." Virtually incapable of being unlovable.

 

Here's where I'll end it for tonight. Perhaps, as I said with my Nick Cave post, I'll do a part two, because, yet again, I'm remembering other brilliant songs. But here are some of my most favorite at the moment. In conclusion, Tom Waits is just good for the soul.