Smarty Pants.

This may come as a surprise, but maybe not, that I've never really considered myself smart. I was always decently smart in grade school, probably above average, but I wasn't the genius or the idiot. In the typical youngest child point of view, I thought my sister was the smart and pretty one. Everyone said she was so smart and pretty; I always felt like I was just kind of there. This is attributed to my own self-esteem issues rather than other people, and I don't blame other people (It's not my sister's fault she's smart and a pretty person). I was so demotivated my last half of high school, as well as during a decent chunk of community college.

So here I am now, at 24, and suddenly I'm told I'm smart and considered a smart person. I was talking to my professor yesterday, and I told her I've thought about getting a PhD, and I'd love to go for it, but there's a part of me that isn't sure and I don't know if that's common sense or low self-esteem. There's no doubt you've got to have the smarts to get one, as well as the tenacity. Plus, it's a risky move because the job market's a bitch (in fairness, I don't know of a marker that wouldn't be. There are more PhD's because more people go to college these days than ever. The Business degree will likely become as criticized as humanities someday because as it is considered the "good" major to get because it's economical there are now more people getting it, thus increasing competition). My professor told if I want to go for it then do it, and not to let anyone discourage me from the direction I want to go for. Also, that I am smart, and it shows now that I've begun to care about my work and push my intelligence.

It's still strange to own it. I don't walk around thinking that I'm so smart. Transitioning from not feeling intelligent to having people tell me often, be it friends or family, or my professors (some of the most intelligent people I've encountered) say I'm intelligent is a stranger compliment for me than being told I'm pretty. I don't do the whole arguing the compliment nonsense, and I attempt to be gracious and take it, but it still surprises me to hear "You're really smart," "You're a good writer," etc etc. It brightens my day hearing that, even if I'm still working on owning it.

Amanda Drives!

As people who know me are aware, driving scares me a lot. I can drive the places I'm familiar or used to, but the unknown is like a cannonball of anxiety. My issue with driving is not some sort of prissy complex where I just want Morgan Freeman to drive me around or something, but rather, a legitimate fear. However, ever since I've been back from college I have missed my professors and friends-so much so that I would drive! My friend down there texted me to just do it, and drive down. So as a spontaneous decision, I did it. I'm thinking the spontaneity was probably a good thing because I would have been likely to just bail out of nerves if this was planned a few weeks in advance.

But I did it! I survived! As I e-mailed to one of my professors, there was a body count of zero between the to and from drives. I didn't take an interstate or anything, and just stuck to the back roads, which really wasn't that bad! Plus there were donkeys, llamas, and cows everywhere. I had printed directions, my GPS, and mixed CDs to keep me stimulated but in a relaxed way. Oh yeah, and lots of caffeine. The caffeine was a must. I was a bit clammy handed and nervous, but I survived it.

It was a very brief trip but well worth it. I got to see a few of my friends and professors, plus I bought my academic regalia! It was super nice getting to catch up with the people I did see, and have my morale boosted a little. It certainly has felt like my little college family is a continent away, but now knowing that it's just a few hundred miles that roughly add up to 2-3 hours, and that I can handle the drive, I know I can come see them whenever I have the time!

I don't say this often because I'm really quite hard on myself, but I actually feel proud of myself. Driving is an anxiety that I've carried with me for years, and I'm finally beginning to crack it!