Future Thoughts

When I first enrolled into my university, I chose my major to be in English/Secondary Education. I thought I would teach high schoolers because they aren't babies and I could talk to them a bit more directly. Also, young kids make me nervous. I like them and get along with them well, but if you say something wrong to a little one you will be up shit's creek quick! I liked the idea of particular limitations in public schooling, like censoring content and that certain subjects were taboo. No sex, religion, politics, etc. I could live with that. Then I got to observe a classroom through a community college course. Eh. Apart from how unruly the kids were, if not impossible, it made me really sad to hear some of the teachers talk about the students being stupid. I mean, I'm closer to their age, and I while I wasn't in high school, I was still a student at the time.

I saw teachers have to monitor dress codes, handle kids with devastating personal problems, insult students behind their backs, talk about other faculty, put on a movie instead of reading the entire text. It was overwhelming. I thought, maybe once I actually do it I will feel less disenchanted. Maybe once I take more classes I will feel better. Not so much. I think it's an old cliché, but I truly believe you have to be the right type of person to teach Elementary/Secondary education. You have to want it completely, have patience, be thick skinned, and smart.

I dropped Secondary Education from my degree because I didn't think I would be happy doing it, and frankly, I see myself being happier and more fulfilled at the junior college or university level. I've never shadowed a professor, but I've talked enough to my professors to get an idea of what they do all day (in fairness, shadowing or talking about it is probably the more gentle way to see how they do their jobs). I feel that my humor, temperament, passions, and mentality are better suited for the collegiate level. Also, as I've become more passionate about literature, the more I dislike the idea of having to censor political, sexual, religious, themes. I mean, there's a reason why I hated Shakespeare in high school and love him as a college graduate. There are themes deemed too suggestive for the teenage audience. And how can you teach Shakespeare without talking about the dirty innuendos?

Personally, I do not think everyone is cut out to be a teacher, be it a grade school or college teacher. I have had professors who I do not think could handle a high school classroom be it because they are too polite, or too intense. The same goes for my teachers in grade school. I don't know that a few of them could handle teaching at a collegiate level. They both require different demands. I think it's important to be really smart though, regardless of what type of teaching you do. I'm sure everyone who has been through school can remember a teacher or professor that was a disaster and seemingly had no business teaching. Be it because they couldn't handle their classroom, or teach well. There are also the people who teach that seemingly don't care at all about their content, students, or anything at all. We've all been there.

Teaching high school didn't make me feel excited, but rather, I would dread the thought of it. Regardless of what you're trying to do, you should feel excited about it! Anxiety is to be anticipated, but dread shouldn't be a thing. I just don't imagine myself being happy or able to handle a classroom of crazy sixteen year olds.

The thought of being a teacher at a university or community college is exciting and terrifying to me. I understand that I'm not a genius, and getting the job is a bitch on wheels, but I need to try for myself. I could see myself being happy being immersed in literature, giving lectures, or even conducting my own research. I understand there is a risk for bad pay, but seriously, I don't think anyone who wants to teach should expect high pay. However, if things don't work, I'll try something new and start again. I have to try.

I imagine there are downsides to college, just as there are for grade school. You've got to deal with students who don't feel the need to show up, care, and only put in enough effort to pass the class with a mediocre grade so they can graduate. You've also got the uppity students who think they're above and beyond everyone. Yes, getting an A is good, being an honors student, or doing your own research in your leisure is not a bad way to go, but you aren't above anyone. That person you call professor or doctor is in charge. Are they perfect? No. But it's their class. Pretentious students, I reckon, annoy their professors as much as classmates. Not to mention department politics. I'm not naïve enough to think their lives are a bed of roses, and that all of my professors probably like one another. Like any job, there will be bullshit, people who suck, annoying rules and standards, etc. Not to mention the whole professorial tenure process/hierarchy of different level of professor...eek.

Teachers have to deal with faculty and tenure too. Not to mention making the content appropriate for the audience, monitoring the language students use, and their clothing choices. If they blow off class or arrive late then it's a call or an e-mail to mother. If you offend someone, mama may find out and get on your case. Because they are minors, the rules are different and special care must be taken. Honestly, I just don't think I'm right for it. I know people who will be, and I'm surely smart enough to teach high school, but I don't know if I have the personality or temperamental capacity. I'm going with my gut on this one; I'll never know if I don't push and give it a try.

I'd rather look back on my choices and go "yeah, I went for that" than "why didn't I try that? I wish I had done that."

Amanda Drives!

As people who know me are aware, driving scares me a lot. I can drive the places I'm familiar or used to, but the unknown is like a cannonball of anxiety. My issue with driving is not some sort of prissy complex where I just want Morgan Freeman to drive me around or something, but rather, a legitimate fear. However, ever since I've been back from college I have missed my professors and friends-so much so that I would drive! My friend down there texted me to just do it, and drive down. So as a spontaneous decision, I did it. I'm thinking the spontaneity was probably a good thing because I would have been likely to just bail out of nerves if this was planned a few weeks in advance.

But I did it! I survived! As I e-mailed to one of my professors, there was a body count of zero between the to and from drives. I didn't take an interstate or anything, and just stuck to the back roads, which really wasn't that bad! Plus there were donkeys, llamas, and cows everywhere. I had printed directions, my GPS, and mixed CDs to keep me stimulated but in a relaxed way. Oh yeah, and lots of caffeine. The caffeine was a must. I was a bit clammy handed and nervous, but I survived it.

It was a very brief trip but well worth it. I got to see a few of my friends and professors, plus I bought my academic regalia! It was super nice getting to catch up with the people I did see, and have my morale boosted a little. It certainly has felt like my little college family is a continent away, but now knowing that it's just a few hundred miles that roughly add up to 2-3 hours, and that I can handle the drive, I know I can come see them whenever I have the time!

I don't say this often because I'm really quite hard on myself, but I actually feel proud of myself. Driving is an anxiety that I've carried with me for years, and I'm finally beginning to crack it!

I Compare Myself to Other People Too Much.

This is a problem and I need to learn how to stop. There will always be people who are smarter than me and dumber than me. There will always be people who are thinner, fatter, whatever. I need to accept that.

My undergraduate education is done. I wish I could go back and do certain aspects of it over without a doubt. I would've taken my community college courses much more seriously and actually tried hard. Unfortunately, I was demotivated because I had no understanding of how this would all pay off for me or where it would take me, and a lot of my classes where there should have been an A there was a B, and a C rather than a B...and unfortunately farther down the line. I had to repeat a total of four classes (Chemistry, both levels of Math, and a Psychology course with a woman who has zero business teaching). Now, classes like Mathematic or Sciences are not my strongest suit. However, I had a few classes that I really could have gotten an A rather than a B if I had studied and put effort into it.

When I got to Longwood I turned it around. I never had to repeat a course, and the majority of my grades were A's and A-'s. Sometimes I wonder if I would've done better going there for the entire four years, but I don't really know for sure. I'm graduating with honors (measly POINTS from Magna Cum Laude) and I had three A's and two A-'s for my final semester. My first semester went well considering if was my first stint at university, more B's than A's but not bad, my second I only had one B, and unfortunately my third was a rough patch because of personal problems I was having, giving me grades ranging from A to C+. Do I wish I could redo that semester and push harder, or maybe drop classes? Yes. But I cannot do that now.

While my grades at CC weren't great, they weren't completely awful either. When I apply for graduate school (and maybe more) I can stress that I wasn't a motivated or confident student at the time. I struggled to find a direction that made sense, but once I began my literature courses at Longwood my mentality turned around, and I think based on my drastic change in performance that I've found a better sense of motivation, dedication and direction. If I can swing it, I may find a way to take French classes, and if I excel in a language and prove I'm capable then I could make my case better. Plus, if I do well with the GRE then I could really show I'm able. When I was at Longwood I was inducted into Sigma Alpha Pi, and honors society that recognizes leadership potential in students, and faculty members selects the students. I have massive moves of redemption in my favor. I just have keep them in mind, and take the ones for me to reach.

If I rock my MA, I could really give myself an edge.

I actually almost feel better after typing this out. I just have to keep it together. I can't be perfect, and I can redo the stupid things I did as a kid. I've just got to stop being a bastard to myself, and to just push for all that it's worth. I won't wind up in the Ivy League, but I'll get somewhere.

Introduction: Trying this again!

They say the third time's the charm...it's not my way to go with the majority, but here we go again.

If you've found your way here because you know me: hello and thank you. If you have utterly no idea who I am, yet somehow through the madness that is the internet, you've stumbled upon my blog: Hello. My name is Amanda, and welcome to the blog. I've kept personal online journals ever since I was eighteen or so, and I never shared them for one reason or another. Quite ridiculous considering how insightful and hilarious I am.

 I actually had one that I did keep, and I thought, "this will be the one I share with the world where I say delightful and smart things." Wrong, Wrong-y wrong. It wound up being a dark little corner where I could write about things bothering me at 3:00AM, and unleash my neurosis. It sounds glamorous and intriguing, I know. Trust me, it's not. I'm obviously not opposed to sharing things about myself with people, but some of those thoughts and posts were sad, and the problems I was dealing with at the time screamed off the screen. I'm not against talking about my problems (baby steps) but there are thoughts on there I simply do not want to share. Therefore, that blog has been kept private, for me and only me. And there are no exceptions.

Here I am now though. I recently finished my Bachelor's Degree in English at the wondrous Longwood University. That isn't sarcasm. I adore my alma mater for so many reasons that an independent post will follow to elaborate. I plan to return this fall to get my Master's in Literature so that I can, hopefully, teach college. I'd love to go on and be a PhD very much, but one step at a time...life has this way of not really giving a damn about your plans, ya know? And I'm sure a certain number of you will see this and think, "oh god, she's not going to get a job ever." I'll address that here too. I am currently not employed full-time because the job market sucks, and you cannot write "charming and adorable" as personal skills on a resume. I personally think this is a tragedy considering how manners and common sense are on the Endangered list.

Don't worry, this won't be boring. I won't sit here and talk about nothing but university stuff and getting a job (I mean, I find it interesting). What you will probably find are my own personal musings about the process of employment, life, working retail, music, clothes, things that annoy me, things I love, college musings, movies, and books (expect books). Not my books as I have not written one. I do have maybe two or three bouncing around in my head (or sitting in a Word document) but they aren't seeing the light of day yet. I'll write about books I've read, recommend some, and I promise to warn you if I give spoilers. As recent college grad, I think I'm in a situation that resonates with a lot of people. I've been job hunting for two months, I have a degree in something I love that gets a lot of criticism unless you want to teach high school, and I'm living back at home with my parents after being away for two years...you can bet your bottom dollar I've got things to say.

So with that I hope you stick around, and maybe join me in the blogging? Make your own, share the things jangling around in your head all day! And if it's good enough, in a few months you could get paid if you've got a decent following! This is what I'm hoping for...because loans. So, if you like my posts, keep visiting, share with friends, whatever.