When it's Time to Call it Quits.

I don't know why I'm thinking about this right now, on a Friday night while I'm at home watching Frozen with my dog instead of out being a twenty-something with reckless abandon. I guess, in part, this has to do with the fact that I've never been reckless.

I think it's important to have friends. It's great to have people you can talk to, that are there for you, and that you can just have fun and grow up with. However, you don't keep all of the friends you make. I mean, think about the people you spent the most time with four years ago? Your elementary school friends? Junior high? High school? The beginning of college? The end of college? etc.

It's normal for people to drift away from each other, and it's not always because something bad happens! Sometimes people just change, or they don't need each other anymore. It happens and it's not because of anything malicious. I have friends I haven't seen in years, and friends I see infrequently, but when we do, we've hug and we're happy to see each other and to hear that one another's doing well.

Then you have the ones that are uglier. I distinctly remember a friend I'd had all through elementary school (first to fifth grade) who acted like I didn't exist by the end of sixth grade (when we went to middle school). I experienced several friends move on from me for their "cooler" social groups and it absolutely hurt. I remember seeing one of those girls a few years ago, and she walked past me as if I was a complete stranger. At the time it was sad, but now, as a 24 year old, I've moved on and made better friends. Also, I know how middle schoolers are completely vicious, and I'm not going to act like there weren't people I would sometimes not talk to because of that "mean girl" thing we all succumb to at some point in our teenage years.

You meet people it's clear you need to get away from because they aren't good friends. Be it because they lie to you, make you feel badly, bully you, pressure you, or just in general disrespect you as their friend. But sometimes it's hard to tell. I sometimes struggle with this. Do I keep someone around even though I've known them for a long time, yet sometimes they treat me poorly? I mean, we're all human. It happens. We all have bad days/phases. Is the time to call it quits really so black and white?

I like to think I try to be a good friend. I'm not perfect, and I wouldn't claim to be. I have moodiness, I have a strong preference for being right, and my insecurities sometimes make me feel afraid to talk to my friends or ask anything of them because I'm afraid of being annoying or a burden. However, I like to think my friends know I care about them. I hope they do...and if any of you are reading this: Hi. I care about you!

Something that really discourages me from people is when I feel like I'm the only one putting effort into it. Like any relationship, it should be a two way street, and it hurts like hell to be the person who cares more. And that's how I feel about a friendship I have now. I feel like I'm at their mercy and if I want to talk to them I have to talk first and maybe I'll get a text message response with one word in it. Then there will be times this friend will text me something random. I don't know. We don't talk on the phone or over Skype. We barely communicate on Facebook...actually we don't anymore. I used to at least get that. We aren't a lot of distance between one another, yet we never see each other. Nothing.

I feel odd typing this up on here, but it's been on my mind a bit lately. It's just really hard feeling like you're the only one trying to keep a friendship vital, and that you are the one who gives every damn to be given. It is just plain sad. I don't think friendships are suppose to make you feel bad or upset. Or neglected. One thing I've learned is that just because you've known someone for a long time it doesn't necessarily equate to a good relationship. I've made friends in the last few years who are amazing, supportive, and all around wonderful people that you'd think I've known forever. I also have friends I've kept for more than a decade who are fantastic. I'm definitely learning that longevity is not necessarily healthy or a good thing. You can have something for a long time you need to maybe consider moving on from.

Right now, I'm in a great place. I have friends/family and people around me who support my ambitions and want to see me do well and be happy. Hopefully, I'll be getting my MA this fall and I'll be on track to where I want to be. I'm getting better at driving. I've gotten a little more confident in myself be it for my own intellectual capabilities, as well as with my own appearance. I've done it without people I used to think I needed.

Get Rid of People Who Suck

One of the keys to being happy is the aforementioned title: get rid of people who hurt you, and well, just suck.  I've had a series of friendships with people who weren't ideal.  People who patronized me (on purpose), pressured me into doing things I didn't want to, making me feel guilty for things that were more their fault than mine, and in general, just making me feel really bad about myself.  At some point with these types of friendships, something happens to make me want to distance myself, and I'm guilty of waiting until something stupid happens rather than taking the little red flags along the way that should've been exponentially sized hints. Not so much.

I'm not going to play the victim here because more often than not, I know when something is wrong with a situation.  Trust your intuition folks, it's usually onto something, and if there's a rotten stench in Denmark, yield to it, and think about what you should do.  For me, I guess, I am someone who spends a lot of time alone (especially now that I'm home from university).  It gets really lonely, sometimes sad.  It will be Friday or Saturday night, and I'll be sitting at home watching TV, reading, or writing this blog.  Then you get that call, text, Facebook message: "What are you doing? I miss you!"  That person you know you've got to turn away from if you want to be happy and uncompromising about who you are.  However, you're home alone! You're not doing anything important, and the alternative to doing whatever stupid thing this person wants is to sit at home watching re-runs of Say Yes to the Dress.

(Not that Randy isn't charming, but I don't always enjoy watching women pick out dresses for their weddings when I'm sitting at home, alone, in old yoga pants eating cheesecake)

So you go.  You catch up on life a little, but then something happens to remind you why you should've stayed away.  Maybe they say something mean to you, or they pressure you to go along with something they want to do.  Maybe they drag you into a potentially risky situation that you didn't want to risk.  Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.  Sometimes staying home is better than being around people who don't care about you and just want someone to go along with them and share the stupidity.  I try to accept this.  I get the messages and texts, and sometimes it's tempting to instigate those friendships again because I'm bored or lonely.  However, I've learned that these pseudo-friendships aren't worth it.  Stay home and read a book by one of the brilliant Bronte's instead, or swoon over Marlon Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire. Loneliness can suck, but would you rather be alone or dragged into an uncomfortable/dangerous situation?

(You'll need to watch it twice anyhow! Once to drool, and another to understand his character's a creep)

I've already expressed my annoyance with guys who try to date you over Facebook, but I really don't like friends who do this either.  It's one thing if you live in California, and they live in Nebraska, but it's another if you live a few minutes down the road, or on the same college campus.  Hi, I have a face, and it likes talking with humans sometimes.  Also, this is fact: whenever I've gotten into a misunderstanding with a friend, technology has been involved.  Be it via text or messages over Facebook.  I think this is beyond ridiculous, and it's contributing to the passive-aggressive nature of society as a whole...it's just so damn easy to make someone feel bad, or misunderstand something, when there is a screen keeping you safe and hidden.  I don't like friends who cannot talk to my face. There it is.  If a friend makes no effort to want to see you, then don't try to see them. There a people I've given up trying to be friends with because no matter what, they make an excuse, and never attempt to see me.

Also, the activities need to be mutual.  This is something I think about with friends of mine often.  I have gone to stupid bars and clubs because it was what someone else wanted, but would they go somewhere for me?  Would they go to the concert I want to go to?  There are boundaries, of course. Personally, as a person who isn't a fan of rap music, I would never go to a concert with that type of music...but I have gone to clubs. Personally, I hate them because I don't like the music and you cannot be a female in a club without some man insisting that he grind on your ass.

 

Of course, there are other types of people who suck other than friends (be it your mentors, teachers, co-workers, boyfriends/girlfriends, husbands, wives, exes, etc.) but each type of sucky person could use their own post.  Get rid of people who make you feel bad and prey on your vulnerabilities.  It's scary because it does involve talking to people, or it should at least.  And it involves some periods of loneliness.  I will not pretend to be brave or to be someone who grabs someone by the face and says "hey, I don't like the way you treat me so I'm done with this."  I'm conflicted about how to deal with it because people do deserve an explanation when you vanish, and maybe a chance to redeem themselves.  Then I think, "These people are my friends, and they know me well enough to know that what they're doing bothers me, or the place they are trying to take me isn't comfortable for me.  They should know damn well why I go away."  I've told a friend whom I've felt talks down to me, or talks to me like I'm an idiot...and nothing's changed.  I'm at a point where I've had enough.  I am twenty-four years old, and I am finally getting to a point where I'm starting to feel good about myself, smart, and capable.  Hell, sometimes I even feel pretty!  I'm not trying to go back to people who deny me feeling that way, and no one should.

 

Apart from literature, one thing I learned about in college was friendship.  I made friends who care about me, and I them. They know my limits, and respect them (as I do theirs). There's no pressure to do something potentially uncomfortable, and there's no guilting for it.  There is encouragement.  I plan to keep these people forever because they have become some of the best friends I could ever ask for, and they've contributed to making me less misanthropic (and helping me to get out of my introverted little shell).  I've experienced friends who feel genuinely happy for me when something good happens, as I do for them.  No envy or diminishing of achievements.  I guess you could say these friendships are healthy. 

 

Keep people who are good to you, and get rid of people who hurt you. It's better to be alone than made to feel bad for things you shouldn't feel terrible about.